What good is knowing you’re anxiously attached if you have nothing to do with that information? In this post we’re diving into what triggers anxious attachment and how to heal it. Understanding what our body is doing in moments where we are triggered by anxious attachment is the key to understanding how to shift is so you can more effectively form strong healthy relationships, in dating and beyond.

What good is knowing you’re anxiously attached if you have nothing to do with that information? In this post we’re diving into what is anxious attachment, where anxious attachment comes from and the good side of this often maligned attachment style. There is enormous value (self-awareness, tools and the potential for real healing) in understanding what your attachment style means for you, in your dating life and beyond.

Struggling with the emotional highs and lows of online dating? I have strong opinions on what’s going on in that experience of feeling offended by the likes you’re getting on the apps and wanting to give up. And I want to make it a little easier!

When talking with clients or even just those who comment on my content on social media, there is one phrase or opinion that I probably hear more than anything else. When I ask the question, what do you think you’ll get to feel when you’re in a relationship?

The answer: “to feel safe and loved.”

This is a question I ask myself, and often clients, fairly regularly. But before we dive in too deep on it, let's clarify one thing: there's a helpful and unhelpful kind of safe. The helpful kind of safe is more like “supported.”

The uncertainty, which can come with disappointments like ghosting or a “meh” date, is a sign that we're putting ourselves in a situation with the potential for upside. But if we charge our dating life with too much unknown (betting big to win big, looking for our person), it's like we're day trading - not likely to succeed in the long run! 

A lot of content out there in the self-help, self-improvement space is oriented around making your life better. And there's a reason for this - we all want our lives to be better.

Many times in conversations with clients, I will hear, “But how am I supposed to be sure that he's right for me?” This is usually in reference to a guy that they've gone on a few dates with and things are starting to look like they're moving in a good direction. 

When something bad happens - you get ghosted, dumped, fired, rejected, ignored, forgotten - the feelings are painful. It's normal to reckon with, “how did this happen? why did this happen?” and then the follow up I hear most from clients or in the comments of videos on TikToks (whether explicitly or more subtly): “what did I do to cause this?” or in other words, “is this my fault?”

The first date went well. You think you might be able to see something with this guy. And then in advance of the second date, you realize your mind is spinning.

I saw all of these clients make a decision that was subtle but deeply important. They chose to believe that their view, their desires, their needs were valid. Even when in the face of fear or judgement or potential rejection, they each looked in the face of some amount of fear or downside and said: “because I want it is reason enough" and by doing so, saying “I am enough.” 

Are you in an early dating scenario and want to get closer to him/her/them? Are you feeling stuck in your job and feel like there's something more out there for you but you can't get yourself to apply for new things? Are you swiping on the apps and disappointed with what you're seeing?

Dating is hard because it's vulnerable. Our emotions are involved and it's almost inevitable that we get hurt. But avoiding hurt isn't the goal of dating, finding connection is.

Now the choice is yours - do you speed up the process or slow it down? Do you go bravely into the world in search of your person or hide away because you remember the pain of your last disappointment or heartbreak?

What step might you need to take right now that feels risky and scary because you don't know if you'll succeed or get what you want?

If you want to be confident at work, magnetic in your dating life, secure in your interpersonal relationships, the game is not to look for proof from the princes on the dating apps (lol) because that would be like Cinderella walking into the ball still in rags and asking someone to tell her she looks like a princess. The game is to find all the whispers of the evil stepmothers and stepsisters of your past and show them the door.  

Are you saying to yourself: I'll be so happy once I'm in a relationship, I'll be so proud when I get to lead a project by myself, I'll be so confident when I can afford a better wardrobe, I'll be so calm when I can stop overthinking my texts. If so, you need to read this

When you're in the early stages of dating (we're talking dates 1-5), do you find yourself constantly analyzing the text conversation, thinking in great detail on the right thing to say, how frequently to text, etc.?

I've been thinking a lot about this concept of “earning a break.” I find some weeks I am completely comfortable completing some list of tasks and then giving myself time to rest. Other weeks, sometimes even when I've been objectively more productive, I feel guilty stopping to rest when there's objectively more to do (or so I tell myself).

When we act delusional, when we start to experience the world as we want it to be rather than what it is, we offer ourselves a new experience before the proof is there.