Why you’re more anxious when you like them
The first date went well. You think you might be able to see something with this guy. And then in advance of the second date, you realize your mind is spinning. “What if he doesn't like me? What if I'm missing some red flag? What if this overthinking is going to make me less interesting on the date?”
Why is it that we feel more nervous and less confident after a date that WENT WELL?!
Because all the sudden, you're invested. And when we're invested in the outcome being a certain way, we start to build up feelings about the various scenarios. Imagine an old-school scale, where there are two trays hanging from chains. The second date going well on one side and a lukewarm it-was-fun-but-not-worth-a-third-date on the other. Before you get excited about the potential, it's easier to stay rational and say to yourself: “I'll be fine regardless of how it works out." But once you're hopeful that it does work out, it's like you put a bag of flour on the “date goes well” side of the scale.
And all the sudden, you're not feeling so confident. And contrary to popular discussion, confidence isn't a feeling.
Confidence is a belief, a mindset, where you believe that you are capable of handling the situation regardless of the outcome.
I was discussing this with a client last week because I find a lot of people think about confidence as a feeling. "I want to be able to feel confident when I'm presenting in front of leadership at work." And they hope that one day, when they're waiting in the hall before entering the conference room, they will have an entirely different feeling based on some shift inside them that will have happened.
But as someone who is often complimented for my confidence, I can personally verify that what gives me the strength in those moments isn't knowing for certain that the presentation will go well. In fact, I've had plenty that didn't! But my confidence comes from knowing that regardless of what happens in that room, I'll be able to handle it. The doubts and questions about the outcome don't disappear - they just don't weaken my belief in myself.
So let's bring this back to our dating scenario. We're invested in the outcome of the second date. And the more we focus on how we want one outcome more than the other we start subtly creating a story for what it will do to us and what it will mean if the “bad” outcome comes to pass. “I hope the date goes well, I think I could like him. But ugh, I don't know if I can deal with another lame date. Things always fall apart on the second date, I don't get it. What is going on?!" In different words, as we get more invested, we start to convince ourselves that we won't be okay if the bad outcome happens. And when we do that, we've eroded our confidence.
Key note here: the fact that you're invested in the outcome isn't a problem! It's natural to care about things and want them to work out well. But if you are wondering why you end up feeling lower confidence in these situations, looking at your level of investment is key because it generally means that we're in the back of our minds making the “bad” outcome scarier and scarier the more we think about it.
So what can we do about it?
First, think about a situation in your life right now that you're invested in the outcome. Ask yourself: “Am I making the outcome of this situation mean something about me?" Right there you can probably spot some ways in which you're not okay regardless of the outcome.
Second, ask yourself how can I adjust my perspective of the bad outcome so that it's actually helpful to me? Can it be a redirection toward something that you want more? Can it give you valuable information on an area for improvement? This reframe will help rebalance the scales.
Finally, as you're preparing for this situation, can you remind yourself of how capable you are at dealing with the situation regardless of the outcome?
