Are you playing it safe?
Can I ask you a question?
In what ways are you staying safe?
This is a question I ask myself, and often clients, fairly regularly. But before we dive in too deep on it, let's clarify one thing: there's a helpful and unhelpful kind of safe.
The helpful kind of safe is more like “supported.” This is the type of safe that most of us have or want in our relationships. Knowing we're safe with our person (or people) and that even if we screw up, they'll be there for us. The type of safe that makes us feel like we can do more because we know we have a cheer squad behind us.
The unhelpful type of safe, on the other hand, is more like “restricted.” This is the type of safe that comes to life in a little voice in your head saying, “You might not be ready for that promotion. You probably won't get it so better not to apply. Then you won't be disappointed.” Or the feeling that people would look at you weird if you started taking dance classes (even though you've really wanted to) because you're the quiet reserved one who runs a lot.
This type of safe makes us feel like we can't do more because expanding beyond our current space is risky.
So let's ask the question one more time. And when I ask it, know I'm asking about the unhelpful kind of safe:
In what ways are you staying safe?
You really want to travel. But you've got this idea that if you open up about that on dates, you'll lose interest because most people want someone stable. (It is - by the way - just an idea and by not talking about it, you might miss out on connecting with the guy who's dreamed of finding a girlfriend he can travel with!)
You grew up in a community that deeply values and rewards ambition. But you're wondering in your heart of hearts, if you might really love being a stay-at-home mom one day. You're not pregnant, you're not even married, so you don't have to decide this now. But you are working your butt off at a corporate job you're not that passionate about, because leaving would lead to questions from your parents, friends, well, everybody. (What if starting to build a life that is more family- or community-oriented, gave you such energy and lit you up that everyone in your life commented on how much “you're glowing” these days? How would that affect the rest of your life?)
There are a million iterations of this. Is there one that pops up for you?
What’s wrong with staying safe?
When we talk about the kind of safe where we avoid risk of rejection, embarrassment or disappointment - is it really that bad? This all depends on what you are looking for out of your life. Big question, I know.
But if you are seeking a life where you regularly feel fulfilled, satisfied and, more often than not, happy, then yes, safe really is that bad. Why? Because these two lives are in direct conflict.
Here’s what I mean - think about the difference between finding a pair of jeans at Abercrombie, where there are stacks and stacks of each style in various colors and you also know you can find them online. Now think about the search for a pair of vintage Levi’s, in exactly the style you want that fits you like a glove. Which of these would leave you feeling more grateful? More satisfied? More proud of yourself?
Part of the feeling of satisfaction we get in our lives come from having achieved things that were not a sure bet.
These moments are proof of what we’re capable of, of our ability to rise above predictable, average or “normal” and create a life that is special for us. And that’s part of the other key with the jeans analogy - finding a pair of vintage 501s but in the wrong size for you is the opposite of satisfying.
We all have a dream for our lives as unique as our fingerprint. You do not get satisfaction or fulfillment from achieving somebody else’s life because it’ll always feel like an ill fitting pair of jeans. The key is in your specific dreams.
I believe deep down, we all have soul level dreams. Things that are intrinsic to who we are as people. And whether your conscious mind knows what they are right now, your subconscious does. You’ve probably seen hints in the people who’s career or lifestyle you’re a little jealous of, the topics you nerd out on (or maybe did as a kid), the types of activities where you get in flow and completely lose track of time. All of these are pointing you in the direction of your big dream.
But if you make decisions in your life to avoid failure, rejection or disappointment, it is very unlikely that you’ll ever discover this deep dream, and even less likely that you’ll achieve it.
Because very few big dreams are sure bets. They all require playing bigger, putting ourselves out there and accepting some risk.
It is entirely your prerogative to choose the “safe” path. But your soul knows the dream and it will likely continue to remind you to the tune of jealousy and resentment of those you see experiencing big moments in their lives, achieving hard fought dreams or watching serendipity put their great love story together.
How do you tell when you should stop playing it safe?
All risks are not good risks, of course. I don’t want you going out there and getting rejected right and left, just to make sure you’re not playing it safe. You’d also get so exhausted doing this trying to deal with the feelings that come up that nobody could sustain it for long.
So how do you figure out which are the moments that you should take the risk vs. ones that will be undue stress?
3 questions to ask yourself to decide if it’s a good risk for you:
Is me taking this risk connected to a larger dream I’m pursuing?
Am I sharing more of myself by doing this or pretending to be someone else?
If this doesn’t go my way, will I learn something useful from the experience?
These questions can guide you toward risks that, even if the outcome is not ideal, will lead you closer toward your dreams. Sometimes rejection is redirection and if you are able to go in with an open mind for there either to be a great outcome or a great lesson, then you will make yourself more available to the opportunities that push you toward your dreams.
How do I overcome the fear?
Fear is a biological human instinct. We need it to survive - it’s the part of us that kept us safe from saber tooth tigers in the caveman days, that teaches us not to walk in the middle of the road without checking both ways and underpins the spidey senses that many of have used to get out of dicey situations countless times in our lives.
So I do not advise that you wholesale try to start ignoring your fears. That’s just reckless.
The key is to identify when the fears aren’t productive - either because they’re exaggerated, biased or transferred.
Our brains have a natural negativity bias. Studies suggest that we encode negative memories, feelings and beliefs at a rate 5x or 10x (depending on the study) stronger than the positive. This is why you remember past pains and heartbreak more vividly than many of your happy moments. But because of this, our brain is always going to show us an unbalanced situation to try to keep us from putting ourselves in harms way.
This is where your conscious brain is a powerful tool. To evaluate whether a fear is exaggerated, it helps to try to jump into logical thinking.
Ask yourself questions like:
What is the worst case scenario I’m scared of here?
Do you know for a fact it will happen if you do the scary thing? (Does that worst case scenario happen 100% of the time that somebody takes this action?)
Are there things within my control that make the scary outcome less likely?
If the worst case scenario happens, what will the impact be on my life? On a scale of 1-10, how permanent will that impact be? (Said differently, how long might it take for you to unwind the impact of that bad scenario if you had to?
Let’s take a real scenario here. Say you want to ask for a promotion but fears are coming up that you’re going to be perceived as difficult and it could negatively affect you at work.
What is the worst case scenario I’m scared of here? I’m worried that they’ll think I’m being difficult, stop trusting me and ultimately decide to let me go.
Do you know for a fact it will happen if you do the scary thing? (Does that worst case scenario happen 100% of the time that somebody takes this action?) No, there are plenty of times people ask for promotions and they’re not judged or let go. In fact it’s very rare that it goes to that extreme, more often than not, they just experience the ego hit of being told no.
Are there things within my control that make the scary outcome less likely? Yes, the way I approach asking for the promotion will have a significant impact into whether I am ultimately let go (and also whether they say yes to the ask)
If the worst case scenario happens, what will the impact be on my life? On a scale of 1-10, how permanent will that impact be? (Said differently, how long might it take for you to unwind the impact of that bad scenario if you had to?) If I were to be let go, it’d be an 8 out of 10 impact on my life. It’d probably take me 4-6 months to find another job but I know I would eventually. If I get told no for the promotion but it does not seriously impact my reputation at work, it will have a 3 out of 10 impact on my life because of the disappointment and maybe a little resentment but I could spend a few months working with my manager on what I need to improve in my performance and I’m sure the whole thing would feel past in a few months.
With this perspective, now you can make your decision!
But there’s another really important way that fears can screw us up - when they’re transferred.
If you have ever worried that the current boy you are dating will treat you like your ex, you’re transferring fears.
We say it’s “looking out for ourselves,” “being aware of a pattern” or “being realistic.” But when you take the actions of one person and assume a completely different person is more likely to act in that same way, you are only getting in your own way.
Because we are not just observers of the situation, completely separate from the events. And when you have a fear of somebody’s acting a certain way, you’re likely to act in anticipation.
For most women, this means staying more closed off, taking longer to open up, struggling to trust people because of the way that past people have treated them. This feels protective but the problem is you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you don’t let someone in, or you’re suspicious or scared and do things that push them away, you basically create the outcome that you most feared.
Now this is not to say that if a guy ghosts you, it was your responsibility. He was the one that chose to take that action and you could not have controlled this if you tried. Very important distinction here because we do not control the thoughts, feelings or actions of other people.
But our subconscious is a powerful force and without our awareness, we will be drawn to people that are going to confirm the stories we are telling ourselves. So if you are telling yourself a story of what to fear, whether it be ghosting, being overlooked, always coming in second or taking advantage of you, your subconcious is looking for people and situations to show you to confirm this story.
When I first started coaching, I struggled with owning my career change. I was saying “I'm starting my own coaching business” instead of saying “I'm a life coach." Playing it safe. For me the fear was around judgment from various parts of my life - what will men I'm dating think of my career? Will people think I'm cocky by claiming my career change so proudly? And so on and so forth.
But would you rather hire someone who's “starting their coaching business” or who proudly proclaims that they're “a coach”?
My playing it safe was slowing my growth in the business, which was the very thing that in my head would make it appropriate for me to say “I'm a coach.” I was worried that people wouldn’t see me as successful and without realizing it, my actions were making me not successful!
It was a never-ending trap! So I just started owning it. And guess what? Of all the times I've said “I'm a life coach” since I started pushing myself to talk about it, I've maybe had 2-3 conversations that have gone poorly. And it gets less scary every time.
That step of pushing myself out of safe and facing what scared me helped me realize that my fears are always worse in my head than in real life. And I don't need to wait for somebody's permission to be who I want to be. And neither do you.
So what now?
Beginning to step through fears and going for the bigger dreams in life takes courage and strength. I’d encourage you to start small and build your muscles for supporting yourself through the fears.
Of course the more bravely you act, the quicker you’ll see change in your life but our bodies will only have certain capacity to talk yourself through thoughts, or to handle the adrenaline rush of the scary thing so it’s important to be cognizant of this.
It can also be helpful to have a support system when you are making these sorts of shifts. A third party can help you assess situations with less bias, can help you manage your nervous system when you’re doing the scary thing and can help you see your own achievements and potential more clearly. But for now, the question is to you - what is the dream that you’ve been to scared to chase? What’s the conversation you’ve been too scared to have? The project you’ve been too scared to start?
Is there one thing you can do to stop playing it safe today?
