Stop looking for dating shortcuts
Wouldn't it be nice if I could give you one easy answer?
If you want to find love, do X, and it will happen.
Can you imagine how successful I'd be if I had a tip like that and it worked? I'd be a billionaire!
And yet, whether it's about our dating lives, how to get our next job, how to have that awkward conversation with a friend, we all seek that one answer:
Which dating app should I be on?
What should I say when I want him to ask me out?
How do I know if he's looking for something serious or not?
If we got a little curious when we notice we're looking for those types of answers, in the form of something that is always true (i.e. what is the one signal I can look for in a guy that shows me he's looking for something serious?) or in the form of tactical matters (i.e. what dating app is the best or how long should I wait to reach out?), if we looked inward in those moments, I think most of the time what we're really looking for is…
A way to make dating easier.
It's easier to decide that Bumble is better than Hinge than to face the disappointment that you're going on fewer dates off of Hinge than you think is appropriate. It's easier to believe there's a right thing to say that will guarantee a guy won't ghost, than confront the reality that even people we're really excited about can unexpectedly hurt us.
But when we attempt to make dating easier through all these tips and tricks, we're looking to the world around us to make dating easier. As if the outside circumstances are the only things that control our happiness and general well-being.
But anybody who's achieved a goal and had the “oh shit, now what?" moment knows that the circumstances don't guarantee our feelings change. Our happiness, our well-being, our emotional experience is really an inside job. The path to feeling better about dating (or your career or life in general) isn't trying to make it uncertain or to avoid all chances for disappointment. Because that's just life. Even if we try, we'll eventually fail.
Instead, what if we focused on managing our uncomfortable emotions like uncertainty, doubt or disappointment?
When uncomfortable emotions stop feeling like the absolute enemy, then you'll feel more comfortable being in scenarios, like dating, where they might pop up. And when you're able to sustain that over time, you're giving yourself so many more opportunities to have good things happen to you.
You know that whether what the world throws you that day is good or bad, you'll be able to handle it. You'll be okay.
