How to make the dating apps not suck
For most girlies who are single and actively dating, the apps range somewhere between the bane of their existence, a necessary evil and a fun experiment. But let's be honest, far more are in category one or two than three.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the dating apps back in the day when I was still coaching clients on their dating lives (if you missed it, here's the story of why I stopped coaching) and I'm still personally a user. In fact, the dating apps have been a really valuable part of my digital nomad journey as meeting people in the cities I'm testing out to live next has been very valuable information about what it might like to live there. (Yes, dating feels different in different cities, but no, you can't blame dating being difficult on where you live, k?)
How to make dating apps work for you
But what makes the difference between dating apps being the bane of your existence and something vaguely helpful (or even, gasp, enjoyable)? Let's dive in to some of what's helped me...
Your profile should reflect YOU, not who you THINK guys (and/or girls) will be interested in
As women, we want to look good, but this can often mean that we select photos for our app profiles that show the least amount of our insecurities. You select the photos where you looked the fittest, tannest, where your double chin wasn't visible or where your boobs looked the biggest. You may try to follow the "one group photo to show you have friends and one hobby to show you're interesting" but the other photos focus on making you look pretty, because that's what men want, right?
Here's the thing, darling... are men visual creatures? 100% yes. But if you are looking for a man who is serious about a relationship, they also want someone who's fun to spend time with and those visual creatures are using the apps to figure out if that's you. This was made very clear to me by a dear guy friend who took one look at an old version of my profile and goes: "Yeah, you look pretty but you're so much more fun than this profile." (Honestly, thanks!) He scrolled through photos of mine and immediately picked out more candid shots where I was caught in the moment of laughing or my sass was visible in the photo. My updated profile looked less polished but I could actually feel my personality coming through more. That's a win.
Similarly, prompts should spark conversation and give hints about the distinguishing parts of who you are. Don't take the defensive stance ("No pen pals please" or to call myself out, an earlier version of my profile had "You shouldn't go out with me if you don't like social media because it's a necessary part of my job." The principle? The whole process of dating is screening for whether this person is a good fit and putting that negative energy in your profile is counter to the whole let-them-feel-how-fun-it-would-be-to-be-with-you.
2. You can want to feel pursued by a man, but being passive is draining
Energy management is real when it comes to the apps. We've all gotten amped one day and gone on a swiping or messaging spree only to find ourselves burnt out or frustrated a week or so later when the dates all went poorly or all that messaging didn't lead to any dates at all. I'm going to touch on what's really going on there in the next point but it's worth calling out separately that it's as important that you think about HOW you're dating than WHO you're dating.
Are you a homebody who only likes to have social plans a few days a week? You're probably not going to succeed all the sudden booking 3 dates in a week. Like to be off your phone during the work day? After a few days, you're likely to find it frustrating if you force yourself to message guys because "what if they lose interest?" Dating, on or off the apps, is a long game and you need to find the pace at which you can swipe, message and go on dates that won't burn you out.
Hinge recently added features to stop users from messaging too many people at once to encourage focusing on quality conversations. On that note, I encourage you to not too have too many conversations going at once. If you are already talking to a few people and have more likes coming in, it's okay to let them hang there for a few days while you see where things go.
I'd also add - no swiping/messaging bored. No swiping/messaging when you're craving external validation. No rage swiping/messaging. These are all mixing up other emotions that cloud our judgement and likely not show our authentic selves. Interact when you're feeling calm and balanced.
And then the age old question - to like/message first or not to like/message first? My personal approach is to focus on people who have already liked me but 90% of the time, I'll make sure to respond to a like with some sort of message about their profile. The rate of replies is SO much higher that way. "But Samantha, I want a guy to pursue me, isn't that sending the wrong message/making me look like I'm trying too hard?" In my opinion, no. As we talked about in #1, if you're looking for a relationship, your future partner is too and that means that you'll be participating in being "courted" so to speak. Should you put the conversation on your back? Of course not. But think about this like making eye contact and smiling at a bar - you're signaling "yes, I'm open to being pursued."
If you're not getting any likes from people you're interested in, there's likely something else going on, which is usually related to...
3. Our experience on the dating apps (and dating in general) reflects our deeper beliefs about ourselves.
I've said it before, I'll say it again, the world reflects back what we believe about ourselves (this is even true in relationships). If you believe dating is hard, you will notice the experiences on the dating apps that confirm that. If you believe that the guys you like aren't interested in you, you will notice every time the guy you thought is cute didn't reply and say to yourself "See! It's happening again," only further confirming the belief. There's a strong case even that you will subtly (sometimes even subconsciously) sabotage yourself to keep this story being true - not swiping on people you're interested in because "they'd never like me" or slightly adjusting your behavior/energy around different guys based on how they fit into your beliefs.
Dating apps are a business, however, so it's important to know that it's not in their best interest to be excellent at matching people, which would preclude many of the paid features that help them make money. They only need to be good enough that some people find partners so we continue to believe in the premise. I tend to account this to these factors larger than the apps more than any skill of these apps algorithms.
But to blame all our dating woes on a piece of software would be to miss the larger opportunity to introspect. How might I be getting in my own way? What beliefs do I have that make me feel less confident? Am I deep down wondering if anybody could ever love me? These things will not be solved by a new prompt or picture and require us to dig deeper into things like mindset, confidence and self-worth to shift these dynamics.
How do you do that? That's a topic for another post (but I dive into some of it here). For today though, if you can find a phrase that makes you feel neutral or openminded about dating and repeat it to yourself every time you go to open the apps, this ca
n help you start collecting evidence of the new belief. (It's normal for it to feel fake/false at the beginning but if it changes your energy 1%, over time you'll start to notice shifts.) Things like: "I'm open to meeting someone great today." "I believe dating will lead to me finding my partner." "There are great people out there who would be excited to meet me."
You got this!
