Why you should learn to love uncertainty
I finished a book this weekend called The Psychology of Money^ by Morgan Housel. It breaks down 20 concepts in how humans think about money (spoiler alert: we're all not as rational as we think!). It absolutely had some eye openers but there was one that was as true about our dating/relationship lives as our money lives! So I wanted to share it!
In order to build meaningful wealth, you have to make decisions that involve some risk (for example, investing in the stock market which on average has always delivered better returns than a savings account, but involves some volatility along the way). But it's not just a matter of taking risk, it's how much risk, how frequently and over what time. Day-traders tend to make short term investments (more risk) looking to make more money. While the payouts individually can be large, over time the average day trader loses money (because they can't outwit chance!). On the other hand, if you consistently invest in the stock market over any 15 year time horizon, you have a 99% chance of positive returns*.
But when choosing your strategy for what to invest in, how often, what size risks you take for what size reward you have to consider this:
“Uncertainty, randomness, and chance – ‘unknowns’ – are an ever present part of life. The only way to deal with them is by increasing the gap between what you think will happen and what can happen while still leaving you capable of fighting another day."
Housel describes this as a “margin of safety.” If we are constantly taking financial risks that could ruin us, the stress is far more likely to drive us away from investing over time just so we can sleep better at night. Most financial wisdom warns against buying and selling frequently (because we're just not that good at timing the market!) and that instead a steady, consistent pattern of investing over time maximizes your chances of benefiting from growth whenever it happens!
I'm sure I don't need to beat you over the head with these parallels to dating and relationships but here's how I see them:
Uncertainty, randomness, and chance are also an ever present part of dating
In order to see meaningful “returns” (a.k.a. a meaningful relationship), we cannot consistently do the safe thing (the dating pattern that exists without discomfort), there must always be some risk
On the other hand, we cannot consistently do the most risky/uncomfortable thing because our psychology can't handle it over time (i.e. trying to maintain an extreme frequency of dating or frequently being physically intimate before we're fully comfortable)
So in considering the emotional vulnerability of dating (the "risk"), we need to be honest about how much we can personally manage where we're able to continue showing up vulnerably while still handling the inevitable disappointments without needing to “pull out of the market”
And just like with money and the stock market - we shouldn't want to completely eliminate the uncertainty! Savings accounts have a standard, dependable return but because it's so certain, that return is low. When we choose a savings account dating life, we eliminate the uncertainty(/vulnerability), but we aren't likely to get what we want.
Because uncertainty is the price we pay to be pleasantly surprised, impressed, or rewarded.
The uncertainty, which can come with disappointments like ghosting or a “meh” date, is a sign that we're putting ourselves in a situation with the potential for upside. But if we charge our dating life with too much unknown (betting big to win big, looking for our person), it's like we're day trading - not likely to succeed in the long run!
We're looking for a sustainable balance - you don't always have to be dating (I don't buy that we can “miss him”) but focus on increasing the amount of uncertainty or disappointment you can handle, while still showing up vulnerably. If you can handle being ghosted or a few bad dates without it throwing you into a tailspin or needing to take a break from dating, you won't have to date as gingerly because when the inevitable dip happens, you'll bounce back.
And just like the real life stock market, if you keep “putting your money in the markets,” don't freak out and sell when things go wrong, and expect some uncertainty, your investment will pay off at some point.
Nobody, not me, not commentators on CNBC, not the dating apps, not your best friend who's already in a relationship, can tell you when your investment is going to pay off. But we all know that if you're taking some risk and showing up consistently, eventually it will.
