Fault vs. Responsibility
It's not your fault, but what you do with it is your responsibility.
I put out a video a while back on this topic because I was noticing it a lot. When something bad happens - you get ghosted, dumped, fired, rejected, ignored, forgotten - the feelings are painful. It's normal to reckon with, “how did this happen? why did this happen?” and then the follow up I hear most from clients or in the comments of videos on TikToks (whether explicitly or more subtly): “what did I do to cause this?” or in other words, “is this my fault?”
Why do we do this? Well, in some ways, if something is our fault, it means that we did something to cause it, which means we can not do that thing in the future to prevent it. When we assume fault for a situation, while it can be painful and even harmful to our moods and psyche, we are taking some level of control.
But here's the problem…
If it wasn't actually your fault then more likely than not, whatever you decide not to do in the future or to do differently probably won't work to prevent the painful experience.
How do you actually know if something is your fault? My advice would be to look for very clear indicators. If you had been warned about tardiness at work and then you were late again and got fired - this might be a time that you were at fault in the matter. If a partner set an expectation with you about what they needed (more communication, more space, etc.) and you weren't able to respect it, you may have at least played a role in this outcome.
But more often than not, disappointing or upsetting outcomes are not one individuals fault - they're either spread across multiple people or they're nobody's fault at all.
For example:
You went on a second date, it was good but not great. You felt a little awkward with the guy and your lifestyles seemed pretty different. The next day he texts you to say that he's not sure the two of you are a fit. While you may wonder if you did something wrong to lead him to that decision, it's not your fault that y'all weren't a romantic match.
You applied for what might be your dream job, slaving away on resume and cover letter. Unbeknownst to you, since the job description was put up, the company lost a big deal and they had to cut the budget for the position. You never get a reply on your application. While you're wondering if you screwed up something in the cover letter, it's not your fault that the position is no longer available.
But if I stop assuming things are my fault, what's the alternative? Just sitting back and letting the world happen to me? That's feels powerless (and miserable)!
We do have to acknowledge that we are not in control of everything.
Lots of things in our world, even in relationships and dating are out of our control. Namely the actions and feelings of other people. Let me say that again… you cannot control the actions or feelings of other people.
When we accept this fact, it can seem easy to slip into feeling of powerlessness that the world will move and change around you and you can't do anything to change it. But you are completely in control of one very important thing: your experience.
When things happen to you, you are responsible for choosing how you feel about them and how you respond.
You can decide that the guy ghosted because you said something to offend him. That is a choice you make to believe that story. Doesn't make it the true fact of the matter (and it will probably make you more anxious about what you say on you next date). OR you be disappointed that you were ghosted but choose not to beat yourself up about it, knowing that it more than likely was more about him than you, and focus your attention on staying hopeful for your next date.
Your reaction to your circumstances is your responsibility.
This distinction has been a deeply empowering realization for me. By releasing any (false) belief that I could control other's actions, I stopped feeling the burden of so many of the things that happened in my life and was able to use my energy to manage my own mind.
It also has shown me that even things that feel objectively painful, like rejection or loss, can be softened depending on the way I choose to respond to them. I can't prevent them but I can find the silver lining or the lesson, which gives those painful feelings a sense of purpose and a first step for me to move forward.
If you have been living a lifetime of being “the responsible one” and “the good kid,” this concept probably feels quite foreign to you as you are so used to taking responsibility for almost everything that happens in your orbit. It makes sense, it probably helps you feel safe.
But what if instead of feeling safe (and burdened), you could feel free?
There is so much more to unpack here and there are probably 17 questions in your brain right now as you try to wrap your head around how to actually apply this to your life. That's normal!
Shifting our thoughts takes time and practice. But the results can be amazing.
