What fears tell you about yourself
Show me the thing you're most afraid of and I'll show you where you're compromising.
Scared of rejection? I bet you're not going after what you want, whether it's applying for a new job or swiping right on the guy you find super attractive or showing your full self on dates for fear that he won't like it.
Scared of being alone? I bet you're spending time with people who, if you really get quiet and look around, make you feel like you have to act a certain way or be a certain version yourself to be accepted.
Scared of putting yourself out there? I bet you feel stuck in some part of your life, your friendships, your job or the type of people you're seeing and it's making you frustrated and pessimistic about your ability to change.
Are you in an early dating scenario and want to get closer to him/her/them? Are you feeling stuck in your job and feel like there's something more out there for you but you can't get yourself to apply for new things? Are you swiping on the apps and disappointed with what you're seeing?
Whatever the situation is, I want you to think about the thing that feels the scariest for you the most to do in this situation right now…
That step, the one that feels like it's almost hot to the touch - “ooh! I can't do that because…” - it probably feels that way because your brain knows that it would challenge you to face that big fear and your brain is a master at getting you to avoid the actions that involve risk and discomfort.
But when people come to me wanting to feel more confident, the answer is usually right smack in the middle of doing that scary thing. Because facing that fear shows you that even if the “bad outcome” happens, you live. You don't spontaneously combust. Maybe you're a little sad or offended or disappointed, but you actually learn a) how capable you are at pushing through fears and b) that the “bad outcome” on the other side isn't as bad as you thought it was.
Because confidence isn't believing that you'll get a good outcome. It's knowing that you can handle whatever the outcome is.
Imagine:
You walk into a first date with your head held high, excited to get to know this person and knowing that if it's not a fit, it doesn't mean you're unattractive or going to be single forever
You apply for that dream job, believing you're qualified and proud of yourself for taking a shot on the opportunity and knowing that even if you never hear from them, it was the right thing to do.
You feel comfortable to ask the airline agent to upgrade you at the gate and smile proudly, knowing that you feel comfortable asking for what you want even though of course, you can “handle” being in economy if she can't make it happen
I could go on and on and on…
Your path to confidence isn’t in only getting good outcomes. And that’s also not the point of being confident. We don’t work toward confidence so that things always work out for us (and if that’s why you’re doing it, then girl, you’re going to be waiting a really really long time).
By accelerating our willingness to face the bad outcome, it becomes less scary. And in those moments, we are actually capable of handling way more than we realize. This is where all the preparation of how to support yourself, your nervous system comes in handy but even if you’ve done none of that, the path to confidence is through doing the things that scare you and realizing that they weren’t that bad to begin with.
Give it a try and let me know what happens!
