This is making life harder
I know you have something in your life that you're suppressing right now.
Whether it's anger, guilt, fatigue, sadness. There's something in your life, a feeling that when you start to feel that wave hit you, you immediately go to work pushing it away. “I really should be over this by now - I can't just keep being sad.” or “It was really hard distancing myself from that friend. But ugh, I can't let myself feel bad about it, I know it was the right decision." You've decided that thing that you're feeling is something you shouldn't be feeling.
But here's the thing, pushing away is actually making it stronger. It's like saying “don't think about a pink elephant” - you can't help but visualize a pink elephant. By doing all that work to push away the thing you're clearly already feeling, you're delaying your ability to get over it. Every time you push it away, you still acknowledge it's existence but you don't do any of the processing or releasing to finally let it pass.
So what should you do about it instead? You guessed it, let it floooooooow.
Now this doesn't have to mean letting yourself wallow in whatever this is. I'd recommend finding some intentional time, whether it's on a quiet Sunday or the next time the feeling comes up at a time when you're alone and first, just sit with it. Literally, wherever you are, stop moving, find a spot to sit and notice what it is you’re feeling. Your inner monologue might sound something like: “Look, that couple is really cute. I miss having a boyfriend. Ugh, that makes me miss Tyler. I really don't like being alone. That makes me sad. But I should be over this breakup by now! [awareness strikes] Oh, okay this is that moment Samantha talked about. I'm feeling sad about the breakup but trying to push it away. Okay, let me walk over and sit on this bench right here. And I'm just supposed to sit and do nothing? Okay and just notice that I'm sad? I mean, I am… I still feel like I'm getting used to us being apart even though…” And let the thoughts flow but without trying to talk yourself out of the feeling.
This step is important because it releases the shame layer that you are putting on top of whatever the feeling is. By not making it a negative thing, you're able to more clearly listen to what's going on in your head to listen for what you might need - more time, to go “no contact,” more rest, to set a boundary with someone, etc. And we can't get to that level if we're spending all our energy trying to make the feeling go away.
I often suggest to my clients, once they're tuning into a feeling to ask: What is this feeling trying to tell me I need?
When you stop so actively trying to push a feeling away, you start to be able to hear what it has to tell you and once it's done it's job, the feeling will naturally subside. Because all feelings have a purpose and they're signals from our emotional side of something that needs to happen to bring us back to equilibrium. Some are more pleasant than others but if we ignore what they have to tell us when they whisper, the feeling will keep coming back until it's a scream!
