What to do if you’re overthinking your text messages
When you're in the early stages of dating (we're talking dates 1-5), do you find yourself constantly analyzing the text conversation, thinking in great detail on the right thing to say, how frequently to text, etc.?
If the text string goes a little quieter than usual, do you start racking your brain to figure out what you might have done wrong?
When you're on dates and hear them mention something they like (camping, soccer, barbecue, etc.), do you log it away as something to suggest later so that he'll see how much you pay attention and like the things he likes (even if you maybe don't love camping, but you could learn and a couples camping trip could be romantic!)?
Have you, at some point in the last few years, hit a point with dating where you just have to step away because it's getting too draining? The bumble openers, getting through the mundane early dating app conversations, coming home disappointed from first dates, it's all just so tiring.
If at least one of these sounds like you…
You need to stop trying.
Now before you have a million questions, let's get clear about what I mean by “trying.”
Do I suggest:
You never start the conversation or only respond to messages on the dating apps with clear questions? No.
Show up on first dates in your schlubby sweatpants and no makeup? No.
Never suggest a plan or a place to meet? No.
Send one word text messages? No.
But on the other hand, do I suggest:
You respond to every message with an answer and a question back to make sure the conversation keeps going? No.
Get fully dolled up and excited and nervous for every first date, hoping that he might finally be the one? No.
Fill silences in texting conversations with a funny pic of your current activity or guide the conversation in a way that gives him such an obvious in to ask you to do that thing as your next date? No.
Focus on crafting text messages to make sure he sees that you're fun and laid back but also clever and has standards? No.
I'm obviously exaggerating a little for the sake of explanation but if you're recognize a nugget of yourself in these descriptions, I can take a couple guesses about some things that might be true about you:
You identify as responsible or someone who “gets things done” and that's served you pretty well in life
You want to be (and probably have some experience in succeeding) at being a “high achiever," whether in school, sports, or your career
You are a good friend and in social situations you are good at telling what the people around you need and giving that to them
You don't really like conflict and often when a situation comes up that frustrates or irritates you, you prefer to just handle your emotions yourself than bring it up in the moment so you don't make things dramatic
So, what does all this mean?
Here's what you gotta understand: you are not responsible for whether your dating life works out, whether that first date turns into a boyfriend, for how much he texts you. And you're certainly not in control of it.
If you identify as some or all the things above, you've gotten really, really good at doing what needs to be done for situations to work out well. So your natural instinct when you get a little uncomfortable in dating (which is so normal by the way, it's a weird process, dating), you immediately jump into thinking about what you can do in order to make the situation more likely to succeed. You may not fully realize in the moment but you're doing your best to control the outcome.
Your natural achiever tendencies and how helpful it's been in the past for you to take responsibility and just get sh*t done means you're taking on more than your fair share of the dating pie.
All that focus on texting the way that makes sure the conversation keeps going, managing your tone so that it comes off the way you want, paying attention to what he will like for future reference, these are all attempts to control whether or not he likes you back and invests in the relationship.
But there's important benefits to “failed” early dating scenarios
When you're doing all that doing, it's likely that you're making small adjustments to your real likes and behavior in order to maximize your chances of success. And you're doing more than your fair share of keeping things going so you're not getting an accurate picture of how much he wants to keep things going.
When we stop trying so much, yes, it's likely that it'll feel like more of your early dating scenarios will “fail.” But those conversations that never revive and those third dates that make you realize you really don't have that much in common, mean that you move through the guys that probably weren't that great a fit to begin with faster.
It also gives you a break from all the doing. Because that can be exhausting.
Now, my friend, I know this probably sounds like torture. Waiting. Being so passive. And compared to how you're currently dating, that may be true but that is an adjustment period. When you detox from all your doing, you get to see:
Guys who actually step up to plan dates without any prompting
The giddy joy feeling when he reaches back out after a couple days of silence without you texting first
The peace of a conversation where he recognizes that you have different interests and that actually makes you more interesting
I know because I've done it and I've seen my clients make the transition. One of my clients went from feeling like she always was doing the chasing to having a person walk up to her at a bar and out of the blue say, “I want to take you out on a date. Can I have your number?” In under 6 weeks. So I promise it's possible.
