Do you need to prove you’re ready for love?
I've been thinking a lot about this concept of “earning a break.” I find some weeks I am completely comfortable completing some list of tasks and then giving myself time to rest. Other weeks, sometimes even when I've been objectively more productive, I feel guilty stopping to rest when there's objectively more to do (or so I tell myself).
What's up with this?
We live in a productivity obsessed world. Hustle culture. (If you want a really interesting take on the roots of America's obsession with productivity, this article on it's roots in our countries Protestant beginnings is fascinating!)
So it's no wonder why this mindset of constantly evaluating whether or not you've earned a reward sneaks into so many parts of our lives.
We celebrate founders who toiled away for years with no social lives but then are rewarded with massive exits. We pine after the hard-to-find handbag or sneaker because the difficulty and work required to attain it means it's more worthy (and we're more worthy) when we eventually succeed.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-hard work. The purpose we derive from putting in effort to create something or better ourselves in some way is a core part of human satisfaction and not something for us to banish completely. But in my line of work, when I see this concept of “earning” come into play, it's often in the form of:
“I don't know it's a little off putting how he's always ready to make our next plans. Like should I be concerned that he's so available?” (This often from the woman who's previously bemoaned how she constantly ends up with emotionally unavailable or unpredictable men in the past.)
“I'm keeping myself distracted so I don't get too attached. Like, I wanna go out again but I wanna make sure he does too.” (This often from the woman who naturally contorts herself in waves of analyzing and strategizing about how she should handle her recent dating scenario.)
“I want a relationship but I still have such abandonment sh*t to work through so I'm taking this time to just work on myself before I get back out there.” (This often from the woman who struggles with low self-confidence and getting deeply attached to the person she's dating when she realizes how many traits they have that she wants and she fears not living up.)
Now you might be thinking - those all feel like really different scenarios, where's the common theme?
If you can earn or prove you're ready for love, then are we being punished when it's taken away?
Our love drunk culture has built this idea that if you're attractive but not vapid, available but not easy, confident but not arrogant (and so on and so on), you'll be rewarded with a relationship. So we contort ourselves into trying to be perfect so that we can get this massive reward - “our person”.
But those in relationships can confirm that everybody currently in relationships has plenty of flaws. So if it's clearly not perfection that determines your worthiness.
Even more interestingly, if we can do enough to be worthy of a relationship, does that mean if a relationship falls apart that we're no longer enough? Or we didn't do enough to deserve to keep it? How do we reconcile this idea with the fact that some relationships aren't good fits and that it's a healthy step for the two to separate in search of a better match. Did those couples do something wrong in being punished by no longer having a relationship?
A relationship is not the reward, it's the hard work.
What if we shifted and acknowledged that a relationship is a choice, one that's available to all of us at any time. No, I'm not telling you to settle with someone you're not excited about. In fact, I'd celebrate you choosing to say no to a person that's not a right fit for you and patiently waiting (and taking steps) to find someone who is. But that when we see someone who we think might be right for us, that they are not a magical reward for what we've done to prepare but the step into a new version of our “work” as a human.
And in this way, because we did not “earn” them, we can also let them go if they are not working for us just like you can stop a project at work if it's not taking you in the direction of the career or lifestyle you're looking for.
And then, the dynamics of hard-to-get or “out of my league” can stop being signs that someone is more desirable and rather that we perceive these people to be very different from us (because what is “out of my league” anyway other than a reflection of flaws we see in ourselves). Which allows us to acknowledge that just because they're different than we are doesn't mean they are more valuable than we are.
The relationship will not give us purpose or fulfillment just by existing, in the same way that if you get a promotion while having done nothing out of the ordinary, it does not feel satisfying. The act of putting time, effort, care and love into a relationship gives it purpose and meaning. And when that ceases to feel good to us, we can walk away from that person with more than we started with - more self-knowledge, more experience, more memories, more insight - rather than feeling like our reward for all our growth has been taken away.
So what if you just deserve rest not because you got enough work done this week, but because you just do.
And what if you deserve to be seen and appreciated not because you finally got in shape or because you're working on your anxious attachment, but because you just do.
Try that on for size this week.
