This might be what's making it harder to be confident!
What if you're not doing anything wrong, it just doesn't feel the way you think it feels?
What if it's not that you're not confident but just the experience of being confident isn't what you expect?
What if it's not that you're dating wrong or bad at dating but just the experience of dating doesn't feel the way you thought it would feel?
I've been thinking after asking a client: "What do you think confidence feels like?"
Her answer was (paraphrased): feeling more sure of myself. Upon further exploration, this really meant not having doubts.
So if she had doubts, it meant to her that she wasn't confident. I eventually explained, as someone who indexes pretty high for confidence very consistently (otherwise, I probably wouldn't be a very helpful confidence coach, huh?!), that certainly you might have fewer doubts when you're in a space of confidence but that this perspective of confidence = lack of doubt seemed like a pretty unrealistic game.
But where do we pick that belief up to begin with?
I remember having a parallel "aha" when one of my coaches, Clara, wrote in either an Instagram post or a newsletter (I've read so much of her writing over the years, who knows!): "Where did you learn that dating was supposed to be easy?" Ummmm... hold the phone, what?!
It hit me like a ton of bricks - I absolutely believed that dating was supposed to feel easy, effortless, no skin off my back. And the fact that it wasn't, that it brought up feelings and that sometimes I got anxious and that sometimes meeting new people and not finding a fit was discouraging, meant that there was something wrong with me. But what if it wasn't me, it was my expectation for what it was supposed to feel like?
(Quick caveat - dating and a relationship are not interchangeable here. I do not believe that dating is supposed to feel easy. I generally do believe that a relationship that feels like a good fit will not feel enormously difficult or effortful. Key distinction.)
But where did I learn that anyway?
Rom coms, books, TV, Hollywood, YouTube videos of maid of honor speeches, what I saw on Instagram. A list of totally trustworthy, unbiased sources, right?
This idea set me free.
Sure, it's a bummer to take the process of dating off the pedestal. To acknowledge that opening your heart and putting yourself out there is actually expected to feel fun sometimes and difficult others. I no longer could engage with the fairytale of the dating experience I wanted to have and had to face what is. But in doing so, then I got to let myself off the hook - a few jitters? Normal. Discouraged after a bad first date? Normal. Excited when a first date goes well? Normal. Enjoying meeting new people? Normal.
The same thing with this elusive concept of confidence. The definition of confidence I use in my work is: "a mindset where you believe you can handle the situation regardless of the outcome." You can be confident and still wonder if you should have reviewed the deck one more time. You can be confident and be a little scared that the guy you're talking to doesn't want to go out again. The existence of doubts doesn't mean you're not confident, as long as you still believe that you can handle the situation if it doesn't go your way.
Yes, it's nice to daydream about this idyllic feeling of confidence where doubts don't exist and you are absolutely secure in who you are but if you're using that ideal reality to beat yourself up for not getting here, perhaps it's time to take confidence off the pedestal?
It's great, I can personally attest, to be confident. It's empowering and certainly leads to better outcomes than the alternative. But it is not a magical land where you never have doubts or fears or insecurity. You just don't let them stop you.
