How to stop letting overachieving from making you miserable
When I was growing up it always felt like the most direct path to what I wanted was my doing everything that was expected of me and more. You probably recognize this behavior, something like getting good grades in school but more than that developing a sort of friendship with your teachers so much so that parent teacher conferences were some thing you looked forward to (and not just because you got a half day off school). Or dealing with the nerves around getting into college by adding on an additional extracurricular or that test prep class so that nobody could say you didn't try hard enough if some thing didn't work out for you.
And whether you realize it or not this probably has shown up in your relationships for a very long time.
Oh my oldest siblings out there will know this one for sure but the skill to:
know when mom is stressed to help her do the dishes or go get your homework done without asking,
the awareness of when your friends are struggling and jumping in to offer advice or support even before they ask
or holding yourself to such a high standard of the type of apartment or house you want to live in, how you were doing at work, and how you're keeping up with your friends as your baseline expectation for yourself (even when you realize that everybody else doesn’t expect them to show up that way).
But you’re not everybody else, right? You can handle it.
But for how long?
If you're reading this, and have had any point in the last 3-6 months where you looked around and asked “I'm doing everything right, why doesn't feel better?” then this is for you.
How to stop overachieving because it’s leaving you burnt out, frustrated and miserable.
But why did we start doing this to begin with?
Because most of us picked up this trait of overachieving when we were very young because it made us feel safe in a very unpredictable world. And we can absolutely look back and love that little girl who figured out how to manage her household growing up how to get the love and attention that she wanted, and also recognize how this set of behaviors isn't sustainable for the long-term.
Because if you want to be able to close your computer and actually enjoy life without constantly having the thought in the back of your brain that resting is “lazy” or that you’re “getting behind,” if you want to have a partner who you can count on to take the mental load so you don’t have to be writing errands lists in your head all the time, and if you want to be able to have a rough day and not feel like you’re a burden to your friends because you need to call them and vent for 45 minutes on a Saturday evening, then you can’t be the responsible one all the time.
So let’s talk about how to start unwinding the overachieving so you can actually enjoy your life, accept support and finally stop hustling all the time.
#1 - Identify how you overachieve and where you learned this
When was that last time you actually stepped back and thought about all the ways that you go above what is expected of you? This is probably such a natural behavior that it's not something you've thought about actively before. Well my friend, now is the time?
If you're anything like me this probably showed up in every little nook and cranny of your life… Some of my most common overachieving behaviors were:
Impossibly long to do lists full of all the projects I wanted to do (but by having such a long to do list, I made it so I never felt done)
Trying to assess the moods and feeling states of my friends in the middle of conversations so I could decide how best to support them (but then unknowingly feeling responsible whenever somebody was feeling bad and I couldn’t fix it or WORSE when I was unintentionally the cause)
Evaluating myself against the progress of my peers, so that even when I got a promotion or celebrated a birthday, I could always spot the things I “still needed to work on” (which basically stopped me from ever feeling like I had ever “made it”)
Constantly filling time with podcasts, self-help books, plans with friends and feeling guilty any time I sat on the couch and watched trash TV because there was always something more I “could” be doing
Do any of these sound familiar, friend?
Some of these may not have immediately seemed like overachieving but if we look at that “above and beyond” instinct, it’s almost everywhere.
The problem with “above and beyond” is there’s no upward limit, so you never get to stop.
But once you’ve started identifying the ways you’re always chasing, it’s time for the most crucial part: WHY.
Because the why of this behavior holds all the healing.
So let me tell you my story - I am the oldest child, niece, grandchild across my entire family (including stepparents and grandparents) and as a child of divorce I was constantly bouncing between different environments. From a very young age, I figured out that being the “easy kid” got me a TON of praise and adoration. So I kept doing it. By being “mommy’s little helper” or getting good grades or always working on another project to keep myself busy so my mom got time to herself or my dad got to get some last little work done, everybody was proud of me. And that felt really good.
And let’s be clear, it worked out great - I had solid relationships with both sides of my family, I did a ton of extracurriculars that were really special, got into Yale University and eventually moved to New York City. This stuff definitely worked out for me but it wasn’t sustainable. And this is part of what led to some of the most important reflection, that’s led to a new era of my life where I know how to rest, where I’m building a business that supports me when I want to work and when I need a break, and where I have relationships with people who are as willing to step up for me as I am to step up for them.
It’s your turn now. Take an honest look at the roots of your overachieving. This will give you a direct line to the greatest opportunity for your growth.
#2 - Get honest about the dark side of overachieving
Most of our society celebrates overachievers. Why? Because they're really great to have around.
Overachievers make great employees, friends, and partners because they do so much. In fact they do too much! So it makes sense why there's not really a culture of chiding overachievers for this behavior. I mean let's be honest capitalism loves us because we'll work ourselves to the bone and tell ourselves that that's the bare minimum!
But you're here because you realize that overachieving has a downside or at least it seems like it does because you're doing it really well and also not as happy as you want to be.
When I looked at the roots of my overachieving and then gave me the opportunity to identify what was the downside of all this behavior? What was I missing out on because I was so good at getting everything done and being everything I needed to be for everybody around me?
When got honest with myself, there were a lot of things I wasn’t doing because I was so busy overachieving - being messy, playing games that lit me up even if they kept me from my school work, and most importantly, asking for help when I needed it.
So no wonder in my adult life I often felt lonely and ended up in dating, work and friendship scenarios where I would give and give and eventually get exhausted and simultaneously stress about asking for help because it made me feel like a burden. (I still battle that story sometimes, tbh.)
If you struggle to identify what the downside of yours your behaviors are, I invite you to take a look at any behavior you associate as overachieving, and insert the word people pleasing. If instead of thinking about getting your homework done without being asked as going above and beyond, if you think about it as a people pleasing behavior what made the downside be? (Perhaps, your parents would have been happy with you being a B student who absolutely loved art, but you didn’t give yourself the opportunity to explore a passion because you jumped to a conclusion of who they wanted you to be.)
These will be different for every person based on your personality and the environment that you grew up in but the key thing to recognize is how overachieving, while beneficial in many contacts, is not 100% generous, noble and productive.
The most common downsides of overachieving:
Not being comfortable resting or slowing down (because if doing a “good job” meant you were safe, what happens when you aren’t doing anything?!)
Feeling guilty for needing help or being emotional (you know that you’re good when you’re dependable so what happens when you need to flip the tables?)
Mind reading those around you (which just encourages jumping to conclusions of our own view of ourselves)
Self-inflicted self-improvement treadmill (when you always have something else you feel like you need to work on)
Constant critical self-talk (usually if you were your own enforcer, you sort of have a strict parent voice in your own head)
Sound familiar? Honesty is key, my friend. Then we can start counter-acting.
#3 - Start practicing asking for help
Sound so simple and yet is so difficult.
For the eldest sibling (or eldest sibling energy), overachiever, dependable employee, responsible friend, allowing yourself to be a mess can be really difficult and kick up all sorts of stories and fears.
It’s important to start by acknowledging these things.
But we’re not just here to debunk overachieving but to give you ways to start making changes so that you’re not constantly living in the hustle, burnout cycle of trying to be everything with everybody. So as uncomfortable as it might feel, the first step to healing your overachieving so you can start experiencing deep, healthy relationships with yourself and others is admitting that you don’t have it together all the time and that’s not a flaw, just human.
Now here's some thing that might blow your mind! I'm sure you love being such a dependable friend and supporting your friends when they need it is some thing that gives you great sense of satisfaction and fills you up. But I would ask you…
Why are you robbing your friends of the opportunity to feel how great it feels to support you?
You see overachieving is in its own way selfish. Because you are only letting you be the helper and the support system. And I know you know how good it feels because you've been doing it for decades! But by being the one who depends, rather than being dependable, gives other people in your life the opportunity to be in your shoes.
But let’s be clear, this will be harder than you think.
Shifting lifelong patterns is uncomfortable, so as you identify opportunities to ask for help, the key is to give yourself a ton of compassion along the way that doing anything new feels uncomfortable and that doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Here are my tips for learning how to ask for help as a lifelong overachiever:
Start small - having someone help you with a heavy item, having a friend help you fix something in your apartment or asking for a second set of eyes on a work document can give you practice when the stakes aren’t high and emotional so you can get used to the feeling feeling good!
Start with people you trust - your best friend or a parent (who is generally emotionally attuned) can give you a soft place to land, so to speak so that you’re significantly more likely to get the result you want in these crucial early asks
Create accountability - by explaining to your people that you’re trying to get better at asking for help so you’re not constantly going it on your own, you make it much more likely that your early asks are super well received because these people know to expect it
Allow some discomfort - it’s normal to have the little uncomfy feelings or worrying after the fact that somebody only did it to be nice and not because they wanted to, etc. etc., recognize that these are normal and don’t let them derail you
Practice how you ask - this is a much longer topic that I have a lot to say about because I find that most people never learned how to frame conversations so you’re more likely to get what you want (if you’re curious, I’m sharing a detailed breakdown of how I approached some big conversations and breaking down why the approach is effective so you can start to learn for yourself) but the more you can keep in mind that somebody helping you is actually a benefit to them, the easier it becomes for you to ask and the more appealing it is for them to do it!
#4 - Set up systems that help your mind turn off
So you know that you are constantly on the mental treadmill. You’re already working to help yourself step up by asking for support (and getting more comfortable with the fact that you don’t have to be the do-er all the time). But the next step to stop constantly overachieving and burning yourself out is taking advantage of systems that can make it easier along the way.
One of the most draining parts of the overachiever mind, in my opinion, is the constantly trying to keep track of what you need to do and want to do and should do. Part of this is to-do list oriented, but I’m going to guess you’ve already got that down pat. The second part is more in the “what am I forgetting?” part of our brain. If you constantly feel like your brain needs to be at work to identify the next thing you need to or the way that you could do things a little bit better, no wonder you’re always exhausted.
So we want to cultivate some systems that are like a little robot working alongside your brain, your own little helper, that will make it so that you can actually let yourself rest because you’ve built trust that this robot friend has your back.
The most common culprits that stop overachievers from letting their mind turn off:
Amorphous, ongoing responsibilities like keeping up with friends (where you never get to check it off)
Miscellaneous tasks and to do’s
Self-improvement (another area where there will always be more you can do)
Analyzing past mistakes
So what might a system look like that would support these areas:
Amorphous, ongoing responsibilities will always be ongoing so a system might look like setting a more specific context for yourself that helps you say “yes, I’ve done what I want to do in this area and anything else is a bonus.” Setting a weekly call with a long distance friend, for example, might allow you to trust that you’ve done what you need to and if you get to send each other TikToks back and forth via text, that’s a bonus.
Miscellaneous tasks and to do’s come out of the woodwork. My biggest system here is always having a “place where things go” for these things. I totally nerd out on this stuff, so I won’t go deep here but these don’t have to be complicated tech-supported automations.
Self-improvement has no end in sight but doing a quarterly goal setting exercise (or something similar) where you for yourself to prioritize which goals are the most important can help you from creating a runaway train of things you “should” be working on in any given week.
Analyzing past mistakes is an opportunity for a more mindset-oriented system. This one is insidious because you literally can’t do anything about past mistakes. Cultivating a journaling practice where you can brain dump about something that’s bugging you, evaluate what you’re going to do differently if the situation arises again and then commit to leaving it there, can help you close the book on that mind spiral.
#5 - Practice slowing down (it will be way harder than you think)
Finally, as you’re implementing systems, you’re seeing the benefit of no longer overachieving, we need to come back to the ultimate goal of all this work to begin with - allowing yourself to actually enjoy your life.
For most overachievers, when you begin to intentionally do this - and by “do this” I mean “not doing anything,” it feels wrong and uncomfortable. Giving yourself an afternoon to just do what you want (and not immediately convincing yourself that what you “really want to do is listen to that podcast you didn’t have time to this week”) is harder than you expect, speaking from experience.
Often because sitting still gives an opportunity for all the feelings you’ve been avoiding to come rushing in. This is normal and nothing to be scared of because when you can finally look at those feelings (and stories around them), you are normally opening up the path to healing some of those deeper self-worth and self-trust questions that are the key to the next stage of your growth.
Give yourself some grace, do your best to allow those things to flow through and you might be surprised what comes out the other side.
There you have it my friend, the beginning of how you stop overachieving. This is a journey but if my experience and previous clients’ experience is any indicator, there is amazing confidence, fulfillment and ease on the other side.
