4 Reasons You Keep Getting Overlooked (and How to Start Getting the Attention You Crave)
Have you ever been in a situation where somebody else got what you wanted and you were left looking around being like, “Wait that was an option?” or “How did they get that and I didn’t?”
I had multiple conversations this week with friends who were dealing with some version of this situation. The most frustrating version of this was a friend of mine found out that a less qualified peer got an early promotion and my friend realized that that option had been available to her all along. (Good news is this kicked her right into gear to have conversations with her team about her own growth).
But this can be as small as someone getting a ton of male attention and you don’t or having someone bump into you on the street because they straight up didn’t see you.
But as I was reflecting on these conversations, I realized that this is something that so many of my people would relate to. All of us “dependable ones,” “good girls,” “caretakers,” etc. are often so focused on doing the best we can to take care of the people and situations around us that then we’re left with not a ton of attention coming our way.
Which sparked the idea to explore this topic further. And I have a hunch that a few of you really need to hear this right now :)
What you need to do to get people to pay attention to you and stop being overlooked for promotions, raises, attention and dates
So let’s start with one important caveat here so we know what we’re talking about here. I know none of you want to get attention “for the wrong reasons” (Bachelor Nation, anybody? I gave up on the franchise a few years ago but “for the wrong reasons” and “for the right reasons,” will never be the same!). So when we’re talking about not being overlooked or getting the attention you deserve, our goals here is for somebody to really see you and the value you bring to the table in whatever the situation is.
We’re not here to learn how to peacock and get somebody to look at us, only to feel like we have to maintain that set of behaviors in order to keep their attention. Hello exhausting! So while the phrase “attention,” is what we’re most used to using, I’d encourage you to think about this more as “being seen” or “being recognized” and in those phrases is the built in emphasis on being seen for who you are! So for example, if you are the type of teammember that brings groups together and really nurtures relationships, becoming a ball-busting conversationalist to get noticed by your team for the next round of promotions would be a “no go” here. Why? Because it’s unlikely that you could sustain that artificial behavior forever and would probably exhaust yourself along the way trying. Not to mention, pretending to be something that we’re not, over time, will erode your confidence in the value of who you really are.
Okay, enough preface, let’s dive into why you might be being overlooked and what you can do about it.
You feel most comfortable being a “helper” or even more extreme, “a martyr”
Feeling called out already? It’s okay, I feel you because this was my story for a long time. All the eldest siblings out there will probably be feeling this in their gut (but it’s absolutely not limited to eldest siblings)!
If you have built your identity on being the “helpful one” or always jumping in to support other people, you have built a whole comfort zone around taking the attention off of you and putting it on somebody else. You may not have realized, though, that this is happening to such a degree that you’re actually repelling attention.
You’re playing a game of attention hot potato.
It’s likely that there have been times where somebody’s really noticed you or that you’ve gotten approbation for what you bring to the table. But then you might immediately jump to compliment the person back or to give credit to the other members of the team often somewhat minimizing your contribution, “oh I just designed the deck - Matt had the concept”!
If you feel more comfortable when you are serving others, it can be very uncomfortable having it turned back on you because it requires you to stop doing the thing that makes you most comfortable! But when you think about it, if you’re always making other people the center of your attention, then you’re teaching them that you don’t want to be the center of attention.
A lifetime of this behavior can have it so ingrained at a subconscious level that you can be saying “why doesn’t my boss pay attention to how much I offer the team” or “why are my friends the ones always getting approached when we’re out” and yet, subconsciously, your whole internal guidance system is pushing you to continue to stay in that martyr position because the other option feels new and uncomfortable.
As funny as it sounds, it’s actually scary to be seen sometimes. Because you are asked to believe in yourself! I envision it like that moment when the big spotlight pans through a crowd and lands on an audience member - will you be the person that squints and covers their eyes or who confidently stands up and starts waving? Same spotlight - two different reactions.
Which brings me to the second reason you might be being overlooked…
You don’t actually think you deserve the attention
This one can be really hard to admit.
We live out in our actions what we believe about ourselves and over time these actions accumulate into the patterns we see in our world. So if you’re not being noticed, appreciated or recognized, it’s an opportunity to ask yourself: “Do I believe I deserve the attention?”
Often so simple a question can yield a window into internal dissonance where you know you want to feel appreciated, seen, recognized and ultimately loved but you’re not sure you’re really worthy of it. When this happens, in my world of people pleaser and overachievers, 9 times out of 10 what happens next is a tap dance.
Maybe if I deliver even more results than every other employee and do it while making sure my boss likes me on a personal level and sees me as the one who’s always helping out with birthday parties THEN I’ll have done enough where I have to get the attention I deserve.
Feel the tap dancing happening?
This is usually a habit that started with… Maybe if I get good grades and get my homework done without mom having to ask and if I don’t argue or cause too much trouble, because mom already has so much on her plate, that everything will stay calm and she won’t be overwhelmed which means I’ll get the appreciation and love I’m so desperately seeking.
Sound familiar?
This is a well worn pattern but it’s based on a profound misunderstanding. You do not earn attention, recognition or love. Yet, many of us overachievers have spent our entire lives trying to earn it.
Why doesn’t it work?
Think about it this way, you’re walking through a department store, with all the little tables representing different brands. The first one you come across has a beautiful display, well lit, that highlight gorgeous pairs of shoes that are both classy and unique. The salesperson makes eye contact with you and smiles, making it clear that they’re there for any questions but lets you browse and observe the shoes.
The next table you move to has a different set of shoes but they’re similarly classy and unique. At this table, the salesperson immediately walks up to you and says “omg these would look great on you.” You acknowledge their presence and keep observing. Then they chime in, “the great thing about this brand is that it’s built for being comfortable to wear all day. Do you want to try on a pair to see what I mean?” You pick up another pair of the brand and she turns to her computer, “What size are you? I’ll check to see if we have them in the back.”
What is your opinion of these two brands? I’m going to guess that you’re feeling a little bit repelled by the salesmanship of the second salesperson. And yet this is what we are doing when we try to prove our worthiness.
You have always been deserving of attention and love.
The more you hustle to prove it, the more likely it is that people are going to perceive you as less valuable (because of that subtle “proving” energy).
(But let’s be clear, they’ll love to keep you around temporarily because it’s really convenient to have such a hustler around. This is why employers love the overachiever and why this personality type often ends up in situationships!)
You’re not willing to verbalize what you want
So if you’re anything like I was, this might be starting to feel a little confronting. But the idea of just doing nothing and waiting for people to notice you feels equally uncomfortable and unproductive.
But don’t worry, it’s not the only option.
Because while many of my clients have spent way too much energy helping others and trying to prove that they deserve the attention, the one thing they haven’t been doing is asking for what they want.
If your shoulders just tightened, then you know this is true.
I used to worry about being perceived as greedy or difficult and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing by asking for a raise or for someone to text me more often. But the irony is that the people who really truly know what they bring to the table, they’re comfortable asking for what they want without all that proving energy.
I figured this out first in my professional life. As I began to verbalize the types of responsibilities I wanted, the opportunities I wanted and yes, the pay and title I wanted… do you want to know what happened next?
In three years…
I presented in front of a Fortune 50 CEO
I was promoted to be the youngest director in company history
I got to go on all expense paid trips to LA, Nashville and the French Riviera
I got three raises over 20%
And that’s just a selection. But there is a skill of learning to ask for what you want because those fears that we have about the negative perception do have some truth to them. But here’s the distinction.
Asking for what you want doesn’t mean that you’ll be seen as greedy, difficult or arrogant. HOW you ask for what you want is what determines whether you’re seen this way. This is a skill that very few of us were taught and I know to be a little extra difficult for the good girl, people pleaser. Which is why I’ve got a free resource for you that I really believe will help get the ball rolling for you to see how there’s a way to verbalize those desires without the negative blow back…
So where do you start when you want to be more comfortable being seen and asking for what you want?
First of all, girlie, you know you’re in the right place. (And I’d be a bad business owner if I didn’t remind you to make sure you’re following along on Instagram and TikTok.)
The key with taking this step forward is a principle that I talk about with all of my clients, whether it’s inside Confidence Club or in my Private Coaching - you need to combine actions and mindset.
I can tell you the specific ways to approach a conversation or the frequency with which you should be checking in with your boss, but you probably won’t be successful if you haven’t done enough of the inner work to start feeling more worthy and deserving.
On the other hand, if you do all the inner work, look back and figure out when you started worrying that you weren’t good enough and start healing those patterns to feel more worthy and deserving but you don’t speak up any more at work, you continue to chase people who aren’t giving you any attention and you continue to deflect compliments, shit ain’t going to change (excuse my french).
So your invitation is to begin asking yourself the harder questions, to dig further into the mindset piece:
When did I start believing I wasn’t good enough as I am?
What are the stories I tell myself about what needs to be different about me in order for me to get attention? Where did I first see that story playing out either in my life or in people around me?
What scares me about somebody really seeing me as I am today?
What would I need to believe about myself in order to gratefully receive all the love and attention I say I want?
And as you begin to explore those answers and start writing new stories for yourself, you can also evaluate:
How often do I deflect attention to somebody else? What scenarios am I most likely to do this (and how does that connect to your answers to the above)?
What are the areas in my life where I do ask for what I want? What areas do I not? What could I apply from the areas where it does feel comfortable to start doing it more across the board?
How often am I really giving myself attention or really seeing myself for what I bring to the table (vs. critical self-talk and diminishing myself)? How could I embody what I want to receive from other people first?
And of course, if you’re still a little deer in the headlights about how to begin speaking up more about your desires, you should check out the three real scripts I’ve used in day-to-day situations in both work and personal settings so you can begin to see the HOW. I promise you, it’s not as intimidating as it feels :)
