This is why I've been quiet…

Jan 12

A previous version of this post was published in May ‘23. In light of more recent thoughts, I have edited and updated some but not all elements and rereleased it!

“If you've been following me on Instagram and TikTok, I've been quieter than usual. If you're in my real life, you may have noticed, I've also been a bit quiet.”

I wrote this on the original version of this post. When I sat down to write today, over 6 months later, in January ‘24, I realized the same thing has been true. I took weeks off of social media over the holidays. To think. To reflect.

And as I’ve returned to my desk, the explanation for this silence is not dissimilar from the original one when I wrote this post last year…

Here's the real reason why…

I’ve felt off and it made me feel like a fraud to admit it.

There's a funny thing that happens when your job becomes “Confidence Coach.” You spend your working hours telling people that their difficult feelings are normal and that we need to honor everything that we're experiencing (because “what we resist persists” y'all!). And yet, there's a pressure to show everybody how great you're doing as a way to demonstrate - see I can help you with this!

And I deeply believe, as I did last year, that these experiences of struggle and questioning are actually part of what make me a better coach. You don’t become a coach who can identify patterns, suggest customized solutions and hold clients accountable with compassion and empathy by never having faced challenged.

I’ve learned how to support clients because I’ve gone through things in my life that have been hard AND I'VE MOVED THROUGH THEM.

I've wondered "maybe there is something wrong with me?'
I've acted like others wanted me to and felt the loneliness of realizing that I was accepted but only when I acted like something I wasn't.
I've felt the devastation of realizing another person wasn't willing to commit and the sadness of straightening my spine to walk away from what wasn't meant for me
I've mourned the loss of family members, of friendships, of “what could have been,” of “what if my life had been easier.”
I've felt discouraged by a world that wasn't giving me proof what I wanted was out there
I've doubted myself, my abilities, my decisions, my worthiness and so much more.

I won't lie, it doesn’t matter how practiced you are at this work, when feelings like these come up, the first time or the seventeeth, there are often tears. When you confronted the current challenge in your life, it will always feel challenging because it’s at your edge. It’s easy to look back and describe platitudes about “you’ll see the purpose on the other side” or “challenges are a sign that you’re growing” but often those things don’t feel helpful in the moment.

But I know that if you are in the midst of confusion, a challenge or you’re at that point where you feel like you’ve been trying to address this pattern in your life (whether it’s insecurities, situationships, general low self-worth, feeling stuck, the pattern can be anything), you’re not looking for platitudes.

You’re looking for a roadmap on how to get out of the feeling.

And girl, don’t I feel that. Over the past month as I’ve been reflecting on the next stage of life for me (there’s a lot of change coming, most of which I’m excited about and can’t wait to tell you more and another solid chunk that’s been really stressful and intimidating).

But an interesting realization comes to me, especially looking back at the original version of this post, where I had a really positive spin on the challenges I was working through at the time. I talked about the confusion bringing me clarity. I said…

But I can now say to you that I'm starting to see why.
I had been putting pressure on myself, in subtle ways, to run this business like other people were. To “see things through” even in areas of the business that just felt wrong. I had been listening to what “made sense” rather than what “made sense to me.”
And I kinda needed to get in those sucky places to wake up enough and go - this isn't working for me. What would it look like if I did what's right for me?

Sometimes we’re so desperate for the frustration or confusion to have a point. A purpose. That we can rush to try to find it.

This is human - we’re storytellers in our very DNA. We search for meaning in all of our experiences as a way to make sense of difficult emotions. (Side note: this often backfires because we can over personalize something when it doesn’t make sense and assume that we’re somehow the cause, when in fact, it has nothing to do with us. Cue almost every story a client’s ever told me about someone ghosting them. Difficult emotion. Search for meaning. Personalizing that they must be the cause of the behavior that feels painful as a way to try to find a way out of it.)

But the last time I wrote this post, I wasn’t through the confusion yet, I didn’t have the answer. How do I know? Well because I’m still struggling with many of those questions 7 months later.

(And yes, I’m being purposefully vague here because I don’t know the answers even today and I think it might be confusing for me to speak some very first draft-y thoughts.)

But why am I sharing all this to begin with? Because the biggest takeaway I’ve had from reviewing this old post is:

When we try to rush out of the darkness, we miss the message.

It’s not fun to hear, but if you are in the thick of it, whatever “it” is, and you try to find the silver lining, make it make “sense,” you can so easily lacquer over the deeper questions, dissatisfaction, misalignment that’s causing the tension in the first place. And when we do that, we almost guarantee that the same feeling is going to come up again.

I see clients do this often with taking dating breaks - they feel frustrated with their feelings about dating and they take it as a cue that they need a “break.” But because they don’t spend the time investigating and addressing what’s causing those feelings to begin with, when they come back into dating, the feelings come roaring back.

Another example? Clients who’ve felt a lack of fulfillment at work. They often look for an answer as to what’s wrong that feels solvable - bad boss, company culture, etc. But often what’s brewing beneath the surface (and I notice it in their journal entries or our conversations) is a deeper malaise with their career to begin with. They got into it because of pay or stability or what their parents or peers would think and there’s a growing sense that it’s not scratching some fundamental itch.

One of my clients got a new job and even within the first few months, was noticing (but very obviously ignoring) the same signs appearing - I have a hunch that this dissatisfaction will brew until she addresses whether she’s in the right job as a whole.

Another client dove deep into what made her so frustrated at her coworkers and dread going into work. She quickly identified some big misalignments between what she was doing and her core values. A few months after we finished coaching, she reported back that she’d gotten a new job in a whole different industry, had doubled her pay and was happier than she’d ever been. (So take that stereotype that you’ll be paid less in a job that makes you happy!)

I write this as a reminder to myself as well, as I navigate through my own questions and reflection right now. Sometimes the most productive thing we can do when we are confused and struggling is to stay in it. Ask what it’s wanting us to focus on. Ask ourselves what truths we’re avoiding.

It may feel slower now, but it saves you looking back 7 months later realizing you’re still struggling up against the same doubts and concerns. A true slow down to speed up moment.

And I hope this gives you permission to be kind to yourself in these periods. It’s not easy to not know the answer, to not know what it’s all for. But sometimes that’s life. And we can thrash and struggle against it… but it’s probably not going to make it go any faster than if we were to just sit and slow down and really get curious about what’s going on.

I’m reminding myself of this today, my friend. I hope this reminder finds whoever needs it. I’m rooting for you. We’ll get through this together!