How can I be sure he’s right for me? Here’s why it shouldn’t matter
I talk to a lot of women, either via TikTok, Instagram or in my coaching practice. And I’ve noticed a common theme - people asking me for tips on how to be “sure” that they should get serious with the guy they’re with or asking for advice on what to do if you’re not “sure” he’s the one.
When these themes come up, there’s always a common emotional underpinning to the thoughts. So let’s explore.
Why do we feel like we need to know for sure that we’re with the right person?
This is a question of certainty. We think that when we find the right person there will be zero doubts in our mind that they are our person, ad infinitum, forever. Now, this is something that if you speak to couples who have been happily married for 50 years, they normally have something to say about. Most happy couples, at least the ones I’ve spoken to, that there have been plenty of difficult moments throughout their marriage no matter how happy and stable. The most important type of these difficult moments is when it puts you and your partner at odds - you want different things or someone hurt the other one. When I have spoken with couples we’d typically consider “successful,” long term, happy relationships, the story I usually hear is some version of: “Yes, it was tough but when I thought about my options, life with her, even if it meant compromising on X, was always going to be worth it.”
Now you may be thinking, Samantha, I’m not happily married dealing with whether or not to move for some job my husband was offered. I’m just dating guys and trying to figure out if this very imperfect man in front of me is worth investing in.
But I’d like to focus you on what’s similar about these scenarios. You are at a moment where you have to decide to recommit yourself. Whether from the 1st date to the 2nd or from the 73rd time you and your husband have argued about responsibility to the 74th, our relationships are made up of over and over again deciding to recommit.
Life is unpredictable. We have no idea what tension will arise in the future. What betrayal or pain or disappointment we might face. We don’t know how we will grow and change and we definitely don’t know how a potential partner might grow and change.
The good news is, we don’t have to know the future to be able to make a decision right now.
We can make it easier on ourselves by just focusing on whether, given the information we have right now, this is somebody we want to continue to invest in. And give ourselves permission that the decision may not be the same tomorrow or in 10 years and that doesn’t make it the wrong decision right now.
When we are asking ourselves “how can I be sure?” what we’re really doing is make one decision today with the certainty that it’s the right decision forever. That the answer will always be yes, so much that we never need to think about it.
It’d be really nice if the world worked that way but it doesn’t and we need to take the weight off the decision today that it has to be forever, so that we can make an accurate decision based on today’s information.
What if I choose him and he hurts me later? I can’t handle another heartbreak.
It will suck. It will be really hard. But let me tell you the documented cases of dying from heartbreak are very rare. (To be scientifically accurate, Broken Heart Syndrome is a recognized condition where your heart responds to extreme stress, like loss of a partner, and mimics a heart attack because of the stress. And even in critically ill patients, like grandparents with heart disease, most recover.)
Now I know you weren’t actually thinking you’d die if you’d experience another heartbreak but I give that extreme example to ground us in what we’re talking about here.
Heartbreak is painful. But you can handle it. You might get sad, you might need support, but you’ll get through it. But in this moment, when you are scared of the potential heartbreak, searching for a way to “be sure” is probably coming from a place of you searching for certainty, for a 100% guarantee. And I have to remind you that an 100% guarantee of anything when it comes to love doesn’t exist.
Can you accept that there’s no way to 100% prevent yourself from experiencing pain in a relationship? From getting hurt? Of him deciding to leave after 20 years of happy marriage? Of him getting tragically hit by a bus in 5 years?
If you need 100% certainty that you won’t experience pain in a relationship, then I’m afraid your only option is not to get into a relationship.
Now I know, if you’re here, you don’t like that option so let’s move into what your options are here.
How to let go of a need to “be sure” he’s the right guy for you and move forward however is right for you
Acknowledge that your fear of getting hurt can’t stop you from pursuing love.
It’s okay to feel that fear. It will be worse some days than others. But if we let the fear of getting hurt stop us from ever taking risks, we’re creating the 100% guarantee that we won’t be in love.
Focus on the question in the present.
You have a decision to make based on who you are today and who he is today. Based on what you have seen of his behavior, his actions and his words and comparing those things to what you want from a partner at this stage in a relationship, is it a fit? But we have to be specific here - this is not about comparing who we think he might be as a husband to our idea of what our husband will be like. That type of evaluation involves way more projection than any of us can accurately do.
If your instinct is to ask: “But how do I make sure I don’t waste time with someone who isn’t potentially marriage material?”
Can you notice how that question comes from the same place as “how can I be sure?” You’re searching for certainty that you won’t waste your time and nobody can give you that 100% certainty. Now there are some ways that you can approximate, but let’s reset our expectations that we’re not searching for certainty, we’re looking for good momentum.
I find a powerful prompt to give yourself is: “When I envision my ideal partner, how would I expect he’d act on a second date [or whatever stage of the relationship you currently are]?”
You don’t have to hold him to husband standard at 3 or 5 dates, but what does “husband material” look like in terms of early actions?
A wrong answer is better than no answer.
We are cultured to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes. Whether it was through the culture of school when we were young, rewarding us for A grades and perfect attendance or the wiring of our brains that makes us remember bad things with 10x stronger associations than good things, it’s really natural that we’ve demonized mistakes.
But mistakes are actually a huge part of our successes. Michael Jordan is commonly quoted as saying: “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
One of the all-time greats in sports made plenty of mistakes. The higher stakes get, the more likely is that you will have made mistakes along the way. And in relationship terms, these “mistakes” may not be a bunch of failed relationships or rejections. They may be situations where you judged a situation wrong, where you gave somebody bandwidth that they took advantage of or when you asked someone for something and let it slide when they didn’t give it to you.
But every step in every relationship is an opportunity for us to learn, so let’s reframe making the wrong decision.
Yes, you may end up having had spent more time with this person than would be ideal if you decide to commit and it doesn’t work out. But there is value in that time, first, and secondly, at whatever point you get clear that it’s a “no” for you, you’ll have a clear answer, rather than your confusion right now.
Now this isn’t to say that you should definitely move forward with this person, but release the pressure that you’re currently feeling to be right. Consider the situation, make a decision and then really earnestly give it a try. If it works, amazing! If it doesn’t, at least you’ll have a clear answer.
When we can acknowledge that there is no certainty in love, we can release the pressure on ourselves to find that certainty. We can make the best decision we can with the information we have and go from there.
The rest will work itself out.
