Dating advice to stop giving and what to say instead
Single, long-term relationship, dating, married, whatever. I was scrolling on TikTok (it is a rabbit hole, let me tell you!) and because I post about dating and relationships, I see a lot of content from people giving or receiving dating advice. (Oh, and if you don’t already follow me, what are you doing?
Let me tell you, there must be a lot of people out there giving terrible dating advice.
Nobody wants to give bad relationship advice but sometimes, we can be speaking from our current feelings - good or bad.
So we're going to do a quick recap of dating and relationship advice to stop giving and what to say instead.
Advice to stop giving: “He ghosted? Screw him, men are trash.”
What to say instead: “Ugh, [your friend's name], I'm sorry. I know it doesn't feel good to not know what happened. How are you feeling?”
Why? First of all, while there are some men out there acting really poorly, all men aren't trash. And even if we say this as a joke, we are reinforcing low standards instead of high ones. If someone is overanalyzing or reeling from being ghosted, the #1 thing they often need is someone to listen to them. Other than that, if they are spinning out trying to understand, you might be able to add: “As much as it sucks, I'm not sure that having the answer of why he ended things would take away the hurt THAT he ended things, don't you think?" But other than that, just be there for them!
Advice to stop giving: “I know dating sucks. You just have to get through it. But it'll be worth it when you find the right person!”
What to say instead: “I don't know when you'll find somebody but I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there!”
Why? If you are married or in a relationship, there's a tendency to prognosticate of what they'll feel when they find somebody. But both of you know when that statement comes out of your mouth that there's no way to know when that will be, so you're unintentionally reinforcing the uncertainty. It'd be like saying - “I know living paycheck to paycheck sucks. You just have to get through it. It'll be worth it when you get a job that pays better!” Doesn't feels good, right?
It's better to acknowledge the fact that neither of you know when your friend will find the relationship they want and reassure them that even though they haven't gotten their idea outcome yet doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong right now.
Advice to stop giving: “Just keep putting yourself out there. It'll happen eventually."
What to say instead: “I know it takes some serious resilience to keep putting yourself out there. How are you taking care of yourself in the meantime?”
Why? If someone is facing the repetition of picking themselves back up after disappointment and trying to show up as their best selves for another first date, there is likely some exhaustion at play. The “it'll happen eventually” has the same impact as the bad advice above - the person dating is surely already super aware of the goal of finding somebody but what they're really struggling with is the uncertainty. They don't need reinforcement about the goal, they need reinforcement about the method of getting there. Unfortunately for all of us, there's no perfect way to date. What to wear, what to text, etc. If there was a manual, I wouldn't have a job!
If you are supporting a friend actively in the process of dating, focus on reinforcing their ability to show up as the person you know and love. Are they taking time for themselves? Are they keeping up with the hobbies they love? Are they getting enough rest? Ensuring those questions are answered does far more than “just keep at it!”
