Why does it feel so hard to accept help?
Lemme guess…you’re proud of how self-sufficient you are. You look back and see how you got yourself to where you are with blood, sweat and tears… and commitment…and late nights…and discipline.
And you absolutely deserve to be proud of yourself.
If you’re anything like me, you feel like overachiever is just in your DNA. And yet the more life you’ve lived, the more you’ve started to slightly resent these traits because you feel like you always end up giving more than you get back, because you really struggle to stop and rest without feeling guilty for not doing anything or because you set such a high bar for yourself that you never feel like you’ve done enough. Oh, do I feel this so deeply, my friend.
It’d be nice if it was as simple as “stop doing so much” and “start asking for help more” but I have lived experience totally understand that when you’ve been an overachiever for decades, asking for help can be really friggin hard. Why?
Because it triggers all sorts of stories about our value, what we bring to the table and much more.
But you and I both know that there’s no way the path we’ve been on is sustainable and that not being able to ask for help can actually get in the way of deep connected relationships. So it’s time we tackle this topic head on.
Why is it so hard to ask for help? (And accept it!)
Whether it’s emotional support or logistical help setting up for your holiday party or even recommendations for a new OBGYN to try, it’s common for certain overachiever and people pleaser types to talk themselves in circles to convince themselves that they can just do it themselves and that it’s not a good idea to ask for help. So let’s dive in!
Why it’s especially hard for the overachiever to ask for help
Our identity is the driving force of so much of our behavior. If you identify as a runner, the task of getting up in the morning, lacing up your tennis shoes and going for a run doesn’t take much effort. Your body and mind are aligned on the task, how to do it and why you should do it. (This is foundational in James Clear’s book Atomic Habits which has a fascinating perspective on habit change relating to identity.) On the other hand, if your identity is that you are not a runner, your brain and body are going to have all sorts of reasons why you should stay in bed, or do yoga instead of getting out on that run.
As overachievers and people pleasers, we identify as the helpers not the helped.
So the very act of accepting help (and especially asking for it) is counter to our identity. And here’s the thing about identity: it’s not just about what you are it’s about what you’re good at. And we tend to feel safer doing things that we’re good at and extra uncomfortable at things we’re not.
Add on the layer to this that overachievers basically identify as being good at things. So let’s supercharge that whole pattern above, making it excruciating to do something you’re bad at!
As an overachiever whose identity is around helping, asking for and accepting help asks you to step into an area of yourself where you feel less secure and thus it feels unsafe at the deepest level.
Oof. Well that sounds challenging, she thought. (Narrator voice: it is, but that’s what we’re here to talk about!)
So how do we reroute this pattern? Or are we completely doomed to a life of painful independence, feeling undersupported and like we can’t rely on others? Of course not. But in order to be able to more effectively ask for and accept help from others, we’re going to need to rewrite some of the stories that make it feel harder for us to ask for help in the first place.
The big misconceptions about asking for help
If you struggle to ask for help, there are probably some implicit things you believe around asking for and accepting help that are making it harder. So let’s address the most common misconceptions about asking for help.
Misconception #1: Asking for Help is a Sign of Weakness:
This is probably the most common misconception about asking for help. Many people mistakenly believe that asking for help implies a a lack of competence or strength. So it makes sense why overachievers, who take a great deal of pride in their competence, would resist asking for help in order to protect that belief in themselves.
But think about it this way, who seems smarter:
The person who declines help getting their bag in the overhead bin, and as a result slips and whacks their own head, takes 30 extra seconds to get their bag up holding up the whole boarding line until they eventually get their bag stowed OR the person who accepts an extra hand and is easily in their seat in 10 seconds
The manager who refuses to delegate part of the project and as a result is at work until 10pm when the rest of her team has gone out for holiday drinks and she’s seething with FOMO and resentment OR the manager who divides up the tasks at 10am and has 30 minutes at the end of the day to review everybody’s work and still make it out for drinks
The person who declines help from the store associate taking the groceries out to the car and spends 10 minutes running the two trips back to the curb because she can’t get it all in one go, wondering the whole time if somebody was going to nab her groceries OR the person who says yes to the assistance and has the trunk loaded up in 90 seconds and not a drop of sweat on her brow.
Notice in all of these examples, the person is capable of doing the tasks on their own but not asking for help takes more time, more effort, more physical and emotional strain. It’s actually wasteful and sometimes irresponsible to not ask for help in these situations.
Now you might be thinking - “I know I can do it but other people will wonder if I can.”
Have you ever helped your friend move? Helped someone carry bags to the car? Stepped in to proofread a deck for a coworker? How often did it cross your mind that they weren’t capable of doing the task themselves? I’m going to guess not often.
Asking for and accepting help is often the smarter, stronger, strategic thing to do.
Misconception #2: You Should Figure It Out on Your Own:
Okay, sure, maybe at this point you’re seeing that there’s often merit in asking for help. But when we’re not talking heavy things or big projects, there are some things you should be able to figure out on your own, right? So if the task or area is big enough or outside your capacity, asking for help is smart but, Samantha, isn’t there this category of things that I should be able to figure out on my own and so I shouldn’t need help?
This pattern of thinking is especially potent when we’re talking about emotional coping. For example, I’m sad that I’m single at my friends wedding - I should be able to deal with this on my own. I’m not happy at work - I should be able to figure out what I want to do on my own.
There's a common belief that true success comes from independent problem-solving. If you rely on other people to solve problems, come to decisions and navigate life, that you’re dependent and not going to be as successful long term. Right?
Wrong. (In my opinion, at least, and here’s why.)
Humans are social species. Our species survived this long because we learned that almost every task is better done as a group. Now this isn’t to say that you should be relying on other people to do everything for you or with you, so here’s the important distinctions:
We are never going to be good at everything and trying to be is a losing game (and ignorant of what got us here in the first place).
Help doesn’t always mean “doing the task for you,” it can sometimes be “being with you while you do the task.”
Let’s talk about that first one.
Back in the caveman days, every single adult caveman didn’t go out to hunt at the same time. That would have left all the little babies vulnerable in the cave. They realized that having some hunt and some stay home and caretake actually made them more likely to survive. And when they were out hunting, they didn’t make everybody sprint after the bison. They realized that actually having some climb trees with spears to surprise the bison and others to go chasing after the injured animal made them more successful (I’m not an expert on caveman hunting patterns, but I’m sure you’re getting the gist of the example here).
Specialization is a strength.
This is why you don’t believe that you should be hunting and farming all your own food. You understand that there’s a benefit to allowing everybody to focus the majority of their time on what they are best at for the good of the whole.
When we tell ourselves that we should be figuring things out on our own, we often lose out on the enormous benefits of specialization. This is part of why I believe so much in coaching and other forms of personal growth support - you could spend years of your life figuring out what tools and tips work for you or you could take advantage of specialization and work with someone who has already specialized in the area and can get you to the finish line faster!
But let’s talk about that next important distinction: Help doesn’t always mean “doing the task for you,” it can sometimes be “being with you while you do the task.”
Think about it this way, when a mother is in labor, deeply in pain as her insides contract in preparation for the birth of a baby, there is almost nothing her partner can do to do the work for her. He can’t breathe for her or relax her muscles or do the pushing. Unlike the examples of lifting bags or dividing tasks at work, there are many things - like emotional coping - that another person cannot step in and do for us.
And yet, that doesn’t mean that we need to navigate them on our own.
I bet you instinctually understand the value of having the partner in the room when a woman is in labor. The emotional support, the being there, the witnessing of the challenge, can give the woman more strength, resilience and patience for getting through an incredibly intense experience.
The partner in the delivery room is helpful. They are helping the mother. Sometimes accepting help doesn’t mean letting somebody do something for you, it’s allowing somebody to be there for you while you do the thing yourself.
Misconception #3: It's an Inconvenience to Others:
And the final incredibly common misconception that I hear about asking for and receiving help that leads to many overachievers and people pleasers to talk themselves out of doing it, is a fear of burdening others.
Coming back to the way these types of people see the world, it’s common for them to believe that people love and appreciate them for their accomplishments, the support they provide and the initiative they take. They believe the people in their lives are used to these patterns and if they start asking for help they’d be weighing down their friends, family, partners or coworkers with supporting them. (And beneath this is a fear that if they burden people, those people will leave or not want to spend as much time with them.)
These fears often tie back to deeper fears of abandonment that are inextricably linked with the overachieving (because let’s be clear, most overachievers learned to overachieve because it was the way to get love and attention in their family of origin so they fear if they stop doing the most, that they will lose the love and attention they care so deeply about.)
Here’s the deeper misconception in this view of the world (and it’s friggin’ ironic!)…
Most of the time, helping others brings us closer to the person, not pushes them away.
And here’s why it’s so ironic - the overachiever or people pleaser LOVES helping others. They feel closer and more connected with their people when they’re helping and yet they assume that if the situation were to reverse, the same things would have a completely different effect on the other person.
Caveat here: it’s a common pattern for overachievers and overgivers to naturally end up in relationships with people who rely on their above and beyond. This is described as overfunctioners and underfunctioners. So it is true that sometimes when you begin to rely on others, there can be a falling away of certain relationships where the entire structure of the relationship relied on your overfunctioning. And this can be difficult and painful. But it’s important to realize that this is a sign that the relationship was unhealthy, not the act of asking for help. People who really care about you will feel about helping you the same way you do about helping them.
The truth of the matter is that the majority of the time, receiving help from people brings us both closer. It requires trust and vulnerability (this can be the part that’s especially hard) but in that willingness to open up about what you’re going through or working on, you create the opportunity for connection and intimacy.
Donald Miller explains this beautifully in his book Scary Close, “My flaws were the ways through which I would receive grace. We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either.”
That feeling of being given grace, of “I see your imperfections and I love you because of them, not in spite of them” is the truest feeling of acceptance. Without admitting when we need support or practical assistance, we close ourselves off from the grace of others.
Why not asking for help is holding you back from stronger relationships
Okay, so we’ve shifted some of our perspectives on asking for help. It can be the stronger, smarter thing to do. It allows us to experience grace from others and we can check a little bit of the hypocritical notion that we feel closer to others when we’re helping them but they can’t feel the same way. (Uh huh, sure.)
But because I know it can still feel really hard to push through, let’s talk about the impact this is probably having on your relationships that you don’t realize, so you can really lock in why it’s worth pushing through.
When we hide our struggles or muscle through in areas where we’re afraid to ask for help, we keep people from knowing the real you. Wondering why you often feel alone in your struggles? Might it have something to do with the fact that when others ask you, “How is it going?” you say “Fine!” when you are decidedly not fine. In that moment, to be blunt, you lied. And you probably did it because you thought it’s the right thing to keep people close (based on that whole worry about being a burden above) but these decisions get in the way of you feeling truly seen and accepted because you rob people of the opportunity to know the real you.
You might be pushing people away. If there was one truth that hit me like a ton of bricks when I really dove into this work, it was that hyerindependence is a trauma response. The conviction that we cling to “I can do it on my own” or “I don’t need other people” can often stem from this belief that we can’t trust others or from deeply painful memories of when we wanted to rely on others and were let down. But as with any trauma response, you are much more likely to see the negative in the world around you to try to keep you safe and as a result, you’re probably jumping to the conclusion of someone not being trustworthy or willing to help when that’s actually not the case. You’re probably overindexing to independence out of a desire to avoid pain but as a result you’re pushing away people who would actually want to support you.
When you overfunction, you have less to give your relationships. Whether it’s in your energy levels, your patience, your compassion or your empathy, there is a real cost of you going above and beyond and it’s not just affecting how late you need to sleep in on a Sunday. If you have been wearing yourself to the bone trying to figure out what to do in your dating life, how sensitive are you going to be to hearing about your friend’s struggles in her marriage (because inside your brain, you’re probably immediately jumping back to your own story). When we are mindful of our own needs for help and support, we actually refill our tanks faster which then helps us pay it forward to others in our lives.
You’re judging people who need help. Harsh, I know. But if you’re judging yourself for needing help, it’s basically 100% probability that you are judging others for this. And whether or not you realize it, they can probably feel it. So at the most core sense, the sooner you learn how to ask for and accept help, the more supportive and compassionate a friend, partner and person you can be because you’ll see the humanity and strength in this trait in others.
How to start asking for help if it’s been hard
Okay, we’ve covered why it’s hard to ask for help, especially for the overachiever, people pleaser type. We’ve gone deep into the common misconceptions and how you can reframe them to understand the importance of asking for help. Now we come to the inevitable point - how do you start changing it. These are my thoughts…
Start small
When there’s emotional connections with a behaviors, it’s going to ratchet up the emotional intensity the more important the topic is for you. So in order to give your mind and body some ability to recalibrate on how it feels when asking for and accepting help, start with low stakes things so you can see that you actually can be okay.
Some ideas:
When people offer to bring things to your cocktail or dinner party, actually say yes if there are things that would be helpful!
Let someone help you put your suitcase in the overhead bin for you on the plane
Ask for suggestions on an upcoming decision - a new hairstylist or a restaurant for an upcoming date night
Be honest about your mood when it’s just a little off - a coworker asks, “how are you today?” the answer can be: “honestly, I’m not feeling my best today!” (or whatever feels true)
Get some practice on easy things and then you can ratchet up to bigger topics or more emotional moments over time
Give instructions
If it helps it feel more manageable, you can give specific instructions on how you’d like help. (This is actually a pro tip for getting your needs met but it’s as helpful for beginners as it is for communcation/intimacy pros!) It may feel didactic but often people appreciate knowing exactly how to support you. This can look like:
“Hey, do you have a minute? I’m really frustrated at work and I just need someone to vent to for 3 minutes. I don’t even really need you to help me problem solve but it would make me feel better if I just don’t have to process this alone.”
“You’re so nice to offer! Honestly, I’ve got the party prep under control but the thing that would be more helpful than an extra bottle of wine is while you’re here, would you help me keep an eye out for dirty dishes or glasses accumulating and just herd them toward the kitchen? It’s the biggest burden for me in hosting and it’d be SO helpful to have less cleanup to do at the end of the night!”
“I know we’re all busy around EOY but I could really use some support in getting all this done. I feel a little overwhelmed, could we spend 15 minutes later today discussing everything that’s on my plate and helping me prioritize what’s most important?”
This can help you manage fears of asking for too much or overtaxing your relationships while giving the other person valuable information about what you’re looking for most.
Focus on the connection in asking for help
People want to support you (or at least the right people will). So rather than focusing on the risks or fear you have surrounding asking for help, focus on how it could bring you closer to the person. The camaraderie or the honesty that could come out of somebody having an accurate view of what you are dealing with.
In my personal experience, almost every time I’ve challenged myself to ask for help or support, I’ve been met with even more than I hoped. Overtime, this pattern of reactions exceeding expectations has made it easier to ask for help again and again.
What do you think my friend? Are there some ways you can go ask for help today? Your relationships and your energy levels will thank you!
