31 lessons on my 31st birthday
In celebration of my birthday, I thought it’d be fun to collect some of the lessons I’ve learned in the last year, since I turned 30. Everytime I do these sort of reflections I’m always so encouraged by how far I’ve come in the period of time, that we’re often so quick to skim over and ignore in the motivation to move on to the next.
So for now, I bring to you, on the occasion of my 31st birthday, 31 things I’ve learned this year…
What I’ve learned since turning 30
You are more supported than you think. As a long time overachiever, “responsible kid,” eldest daughter, etc. etc., this year has been a continued journey of learning and truly believing that I can actually count on people and they are there for me. Of course, this isn’t 100% of the time - people do let you down and people are not at your beck and call but after many years of feeling like I had to do so much on my own, this year has been a really solid step in the right direction of realizing that I have more support than I think, if I’m just willing to use it.
To figure out the real problem, do the thing that you’re resisting or scared of the most. There’s a reason we resist certain things. The more life I live, the more I see that when you feel that resistance, it’s normally your body signaling that there’s something in that area that’s holding you back and your body is trying to keep you safe by getting you to ignore it. But if y’all have been around here for long, you know my catchphrase: “Our bodies are wired to keep us safe, not to make us happy.” Every time I charge head on at the thing I’m scared of, I feel lighter, clearer and stronger on the other side. You just have to challenge yourself to buck up and do it.
To keep champagne or prosecco bubbly once opened, stick the handle of a spoon into the neck of the bottle, it’ll stay bubbly for days. It doesn’t make sense but this actually works.
Sometimes slipping up into old patterns can be a huge gift. They tell us the areas that we actually have solidified our growth and where we still need more attention. Painful but incredibly clarifying gifts.
Be aware when starting anything that has been a pop culture obsession. For me this was starting Fourth Wing (the fantasy series) which I had seen an enormous amount of hype around. The obsession and time suck that ensued from that series, which is only two books and still very much ongoing, was significant and I am going to be smarter moving forward on when I dive into these types of things so I don’t get sucked down rabbit holes at bad times for work (having to sit at my computer when I was dying to know what happened was excruciating).
It’s normal for lots of parts of your body to change at different phases of life, including things like hair and digestion. I was expecting more aches and pains as I’ve aged, which has happened but I was surprised at things like my hair texture changing. I’ve since learned that this is not uncommon and am learning to work with my new hair texture.
The Drop Slide-on heels. These are so affordable, well made and got me through my wedding season with way less pain than any other shoes I wore across my 4 weddings this fall.
Acknowledging that a situation was hard doesn’t mean you’re blaming the other person and deciding to move forward with a relationship doesn’t mean you condone the behavior - this is a both and thing. Sometimes we have to hold two truths of a relationships simultaneously.
When you get overwhelmed, brain dump and chunk it out. These are tactics I’ve used for years but this year really put them to the test. The moments of having too much in your head and just needing to brain dump things on to a page and sort later has been a life saver over and over again this year. And when big projects feel overwhelming or far away, chunk them into sections and then down from there. It helps them feel more manageable.
A splash of spiced apple cider with prosecco makes a festive fall cocktail without it being too sweet (or dark liquor cause you’re girl can’t handle that stuff anymore).
Tomorrow could always be the day. There’s so much stress around finding your person if you are single. And while I could expound greatly on the pressure that’s put on people, especially women, to find relationships, I had constant reminders this year that for everybody, there is a day where you haven’t met your person and then the next day, you have. I had a couple of these moments, while not with my “person” this year, where it reminded me that if you don’t have what you want today, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s so far off from you. It could literally be tomorrow.
You never regret a filing system. I’ve always been an organized person but this year there have been multiple times where I’ve had to find a document or piece of information from over 3 years ago and I’ve never been more grateful for my past self for creating and somewhat maintaining filing systems (both digitally and physically). If you don’t already have one of these, the best day is yesterday but the second best day is today.
It’s okay to end an era. In the summer/year of Taylor Swift, I needed the reminder that we all have eras in our life and we are allowed to end them and outgrow them. My friends and family know that I’ve come to the conclusion that my New York era has ended but it’s taken me a while to really own that decision because it feels like saying goodbye to such a significant era in my life. I’m excited for what comes next (more on that transition soon) but I’m grateful for our girl Taylor for reminding me that having different eras is something worth celebrating.
It’s way harder to go dairy free than gluten free. As someone who’s been lactose intolerant for a decade plus (or at least since the official diagnosis), I was paying attention to some ongoing gastrointestinal symptoms and decided to test out gluten free. Perhaps because I’d already eliminated one major category (and lots of dairy and gluten coexist), I found it a much less life altering transition to mostly cut out gluten. (Note: I’m not 100% gluten free, which would probably feel much harder. But going 80/20 as I have has felt good for me and been easier than I expected.) Also, Thrive Market has made this so much easier.
Emotions are not a weakness. There is so much unlearning many of us have in terms of not only accepting but celebrating our emotions. This has been a continued lesson for me this year in honoring the purpose and strength in ALL our emotions. Anger tells us when a boundary’s been crossed. Sadness signals to us that there was something we cared about. Grief is the weight of love unexpressed. Joy is a signal we’re able to be present. So on and so forth. They all serve a purpose and they all need to be welcomed.
Actions speak louder than words. There is so much talk. In what we say we’re going to do, in promises made, in marketing. The results and the trust comes from what people do. Taking the risk, making the investment, giving something a real try rather than just thinking about it. Action is scarier but it’s also where the truth is.
Breathwork works. I’m not talking breathing exercises. I mean a guided 30 minute plus breathwork session is some of the most powerful emotional release I’ve done in years. It’s intense but highly recommend.
Sunshine in the morning makes you happy. Sounds obvious but in much of my back and forth between New York and Nantucket this year, my ability to get morning sunlight in my eyes has been one of the most notable life hacks that I notice starts my day out on a strong foot.
Software doesn’t save you. It’s so tempting when you’re struggling with productivity to download a new to do list system or if you’re struggling with mindset, to download a meditation app. I’m tempted by this often but I’ve reminded myself again and again (and with some additional mistakes this year that were the most potent reminders) that it’s not the software that saves you, it’s always about how you use it. So stop thinking about needing another system. First focus on what you’re doing with your existing system and you might be surprised with how much you can solve with what you currently have.
Tower 28 Shine On Lip Jelly - not sticky, smells delicious, gorgeous colors, female owned company. Enough said.
Age doesn’t really matter. Some of the best friendships that I’ve added to my life over the last year are not my same age (or even +/- a few years). This is something my grandfather did exceptionally well and I’m seeing more and more the value of having friends in different stages of life for the different perspective and the opportunity to explore different modes of operating.
Your intuition whispers until it screams (your body too). In all the times where I got a big cosmic 2x4 of a lesson or a signal that something in my life needed to change, I could look back and see how the hints of that had been there all along. In multiple decisions in my year, I wish I had been able to identify the whispers and save myself some pain!
Herbs are the key to impressive meals. They make things feel fresh, garnish makes every meal look fancy, they smell great. For any time you want to impress, you can’t overdo it with the herbs.
You can let people come back around. This year I had multiple people in my life who had fallen out or just drifted away come back in interesting ways. But I also had some realizations with others that it was time to let the relationship drift or end. But both situations served as really valuable reminders that very few transitions in relationship are permanent unless you decide they are and it’s okay if you need to make a transition for now (now can be months or years) and that old adage, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll come back around” is really more trustworthy than you think.
When it comes to travel, there’s such a thing as over-optimizing. I’m a solidly expert level traveler and twice this year I either screwed myself or almost screwed myself trying to play the system with changing to an earlier flight or best spending my time on a layover. There’s plenty of room for optimizing but sometimes when you do too much the system backfires, like changing to an earlier flight because you thought your plane was going to arrive early but then spend 40 minutes in taxi to takeoff and ending up having to run to take the connection. Or if any of you remember #floodgate in September when the highways of NYC flooded. I will not recount the details, I’m too scarred.
Sometimes it’s smarter not to go all-in. This one is very topic specific. Because there are certainly a lot of things in life that if you don’t fully commit to, you won’t see results. I feel this way about growing on social media. It’s only because I committed to showing up again and again that I saw results. But on the other hand, I’ve learned a lot this year by allowing myself to explore. By being okay with trying something and then deciding it’s not for me, with the sense of clarity that I tried it not just made an assumption about whether or not I’d like it. I wish I could give you hard and fast rules about which category is which (needs all-in vs. can be explored) but I think this is deeply personal!
More money isn’t the key to happiness. We all need money to make sure our needs are met. But after our basic needs are met, money makes life easier, yes, but not necessarily happier. This isn’t a lesson I only learned this year, as I think this is something that we all learn over and over again. This year I had multiple moments where I sat in the apartment I designed for myself, convinced that if I lived in a place I loved I’d feel happy and safe, and in that moment feeling neither happy nor safe. I went on gorgeous trips I expected would satisfy me and was not satisfied. We all know that it’s the inner game and that the happiness and satisfaction isn’t a result of the money but it can be really hard to remember this when you’re in the wanting phase. My reminder to myself is focusing on feeling the thing I want to feel now and knowing that the feeling permeates the logistics, not the other way around.
And yet, you should still ask for the refund or the discount or the free stuff. Another not fully new this year lesson but I had so many times this year that I was glad I asked. My internet bill randomly jumped up by almost 10 dollars. My first thought was “oh I bet they raised the prices and that’s just my new price now” but at the time I was lesson planning for Conversation Confidential (my course that talks a ton about negotiation) and so challenged myself to make the call. It was an error in the system and they dropped it right back down and credited my account. That’s at least $100 this year that I would’ve been paying that I didn’t have to.
Go to the dentist - cavities and fillings suck. Just don’t wait.
That thing you think is nerdy? There are probably more people in your life than you realize obsessed with the same thing. The lesson here was in expressing your nerdiness. The romantasy craze in fiction is real this year but it still blew me away how many people I knew were equally as obsessed as I was and I had no idea! I was over here judging myself (not that hard but just a little) and I was so not alone. Share your nerdiness my friends
Sometimes the biggest gift you can give yourself is grace. We can be so hard on ourselves but it doesn’t help us get what we want any faster, it just solidifies self-doubt. There are a lot of goals I didn’t hit this year, things that felt harder than expected and things that knocked me off course. I’m learning and reminding myself that it doesn’t mean I’ve screwed up, failed or done anything wrong and I deserve as much grace as the other people in my life.
There you have it. 31 lessons for me 31st birthday. Which one did you need to hear most today? Shoot me a DM on Instagram, I’d love to know!
