What do men want?
If you’re single, you’ve at one point or another wondered this a million times: What do men really look for in a partner? You hear all kinds of things, right? Some say it’s about looks. Others talk about personality or shared interests. Every guy is different—just like every woman is different. It’s kind of impossible to nail down a “one-size-fits-all” answer.
But why do we try to answer this question? Usually, we try to figure out what they want because we’re trying to figure out the key to how we need to show up to get in the relationship we really want. But I’m going to let you in on something. It’s not about them. It’s about you.
I know, I know—this probably sounds counterintuitive. But hear me out: when it comes to attracting the right person, the key isn’t about constantly trying to figure out what men are looking for. It’s about what you value in a partner, and how you embody those values in your life. So, let’s break this down together, and I promise it will make a lot more sense.
The Problem with Trying to “Figure Out” What Men Want
Okay, let’s get real for a second. How many times have you caught yourself wondering, What do men really want? It’s kind of like this never-ending mystery we’re supposed to decode, right? You probably scroll through social media, ask your friends, maybe even read some dating advice blogs, trying to find that magic formula.
But here’s the thing—there is no universal "formula" for what men want. Think about it like this: your best friend has completely different preferences in a partner than your cousin, right? Maybe your best friend is into someone who’s adventurous and spontaneous, while your cousin is all about finding someone calm, stable, and a little more predictable. And I’m guessing you have your own preferences, too. Same goes for guys—they’re not all looking for the same thing. What one man finds attractive may not even register for the next one. That’s why trying to figure out what “all men” are looking for is kind of a fruitless exercise.
The problem with focusing too much on what men want is that it shifts the spotlight away from what you actually want. And that’s the real question here: What do you value in a partner? Once you get clear on that, everything else falls into place much more naturally.
Shift the Focus: Ask Yourself What You Value
Instead of trying to “crack the code” on what men want, let’s focus on a more productive question: What does my ideal partner value? This shift in thinking will not only help you get clarity on the kind of person you’re looking for, but it will also help you better understand yourself in the process.
The truth is, when you figure out what’s important to you in a partner, it becomes easier to see if the person you’re considering is truly the right fit. And if you’re being honest with yourself, this is the first step toward attracting someone who shares your values and goals in life.
For example, think about the things that really matter to you. Maybe you want someone who values quality time with family. Or maybe you’re drawn to someone who’s passionate about health and wellness, someone who takes care of their body and encourages a healthy lifestyle. These values are a huge part of what will make a relationship feel fulfilling for you.
But here’s the next step: after you identify what you’re looking for in a partner, ask yourself, Am I living those values myself? This is the critical part that a lot of people overlook.
For instance, if your ideal partner is someone who prioritizes spending time with family, how often do you spend time with your own family? Are you investing in relationships with your siblings, parents, and other loved ones? If health and wellness are key to you, are you living a healthy lifestyle? Are you prioritizing exercise, eating well, and taking care of your body?
When you embody the values you want in a partner, you’re not just “hoping” someone will show up who shares those values—you’re actively creating the kind of energy and environment that will attract them.
Embody Your Ideal Partner’s Values
If you have an idea of the type of person you want to be with but are noticing that the types of people you’re attracting aren’t even close to what you’re looking for, there may be some super common patterns at play.
The first common pattern that leads to this frustrating dating reality is that you aren’t enforcing your standards. This doesn’t have to be mean or critical, so all my people pleasers out there should take a deep breath. But think about it this way - will your ideal partner have the boundaries to say no to work when they need to get to school to pick up your kids (if that’s a dream for you)? Will your ideal partner lie to you about how they’re feeling because they feel like it’ll just be easier to not have the conversation?
When you spend time with people who don’t align with what you’re looking for - like going on dates with people who have told you they don’t want a relationship or continuing to see somebody even though they smoke or don’t want to live in the same country as you do long term, you aren’t enforcing your standards. This normally comes from some deeper self-worth stuff but it can directly lead to you spending time with more people who aren’t a fit for you because you continue to let them exist in your space.
The second common pattern that leads to seeing lots of people you don’t want to be with is that you actually aren’t embodying your values.
Now I’m not saying that they aren’t actually you’re values or you’re lying to yourself but there’s a big gap between saying we value something and actually embodying it. If you value ambition, but aren’t actively working to build skills or take the leap to start that business you’ve always dreamed of, you’re probably not fully embodied. If you value your health but haven’t created a routine around healthy eating, exercise and seeing your doctors, are you really embodied?
When it comes into dating, it can be easy to list out a laundry list of what we want in the other person because we can see how it positively would affect our lives but if we aren’t also embodying these values, why would this person want to be with us? Rather than trying to reverse engineer what they want, focusing on embodying the values that you want to share with a future partner not only will make you more attractive to the person who you want to be with but it accelerates you on the path you envision for yourself.
When you align your life with the things that are important to you, you start to become the person who naturally attracts the kind of partner you want. It’s like a magnet effect. When you live in accordance with your values, it sends out the message that you know who you are and what you want. That confidence is incredibly magnetic.
But this isn’t just about trying to "fit" into a mold of someone else’s idea of a perfect partner. It’s about living authentically and showing up in your life in a way that makes you feel good about who you are.
Here’s a personal example - I had always said I wanted to date someone with an athletic build. That might seem superficial but underneath the desire it told me that he cared about his body and valued his health. But until I was 31, I had no consistent workout routine to speak of and probably indulged in fried food and wine a little too much. If I wanted health to be a shared value of my partner, I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain. I hadn’t fully revamped my life by the time I had met my now partner, but starting to move in that direction helped me to feel more embodied in the truth of this as a value of mine and it ended up being something that my partner and I now love to support each other in. Our lifestyle together reflects the shared value of a healthy lifestyle—eating healthy, getting regular exercise, and reducing stress— so there’s no tension when one or both of us wants to make a change towards that goal.
So, think about it: if your ideal partner is someone who values a strong work ethic, family values, and a healthy lifestyle, ask yourself, How am I reflecting those same values in my life right now?
When you start to actively align your life with the things you value, you’ll naturally begin attracting people who resonate with that energy.
The Role of Self-Worth in Relationships
Now, let’s get a little deeper for a moment. This next part might be tough to hear, but it’s something we all need to understand: your self-worth plays a huge role in the type of partner you attract.
Here’s the thing: you might find yourself in situations where you meet someone who seems like a great match, but for some reason, they just don’t feel the same way. You might start to wonder, What did I do wrong? Why didn’t they like me?
But here’s the real question to ask yourself: Are you seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of the kind of partner you’re seeking?
Sometimes, when we’re constantly attracting people who aren’t interested in us, people who aren’t aligned with our values or worse, both, it’s usually because we haven’t fully embraced our own self-worth, which includes showing up in a way that truly makes ourselves proud. This doesn’t mean you need to be perfect (trust me, nobody is). It’s about recognizing your own value and believing that you deserve to be with someone who truly sees your worth, because you see your worth.
If you find yourself thinking, the guys I like never like me, that’s a clue. It’s not about the guys—it’s about how you see yourself. Maybe you’re not fully convinced you deserve the kind of partner you dream of. And guess what? If you don’t see yourself as deserving, you’re probably not going to attract someone who does, either.
This is where the real work starts. It’s not about trying to change for someone else or pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about working on your mindset, your self-love, and your confidence. Ask yourself: Am I living in a way that reflects my values? Am I showing up in the world as the person I want to attract?
When you build your self-worth from within and align your life with your values, you’ll attract someone who appreciates you for who you truly are.
How to find the right relationship for you
I know how frustrating it can be to desperately want that happy relationship and feel like it’s not happening for you. But the path there isn’t through analyzing men. You have all the tools you need to attract a great partner by turning your focus inward and making sure you reflect the vision of your life you want your partner to agree on.
This is a process that you can be slowly working on for years, even as you’re dating and evolving what you’re looking for through that experience. The best guidance I can give you on how to make sure the guys you want are attracted to you is to do the work to make sure you are deeply proud of who you are, even in your imperfections. When you’re spending the energy embodying your values, you feel so much more grounded in what you bring to the table which is going to make you magnetic to those who share those values and repellant to those who don’t (this is a good thing - we want to scare away the wrong guys)! And trust me, when you’re confident in who you are and you’re living authentically, there’s no doubt in my mind the right person will come along at just the right time.
And most importantly, remember this: you are worthy of the type of partner you want. Don’t ever forget that.
