5 reasons why being a “good kid” makes you an unhappy adult (and what to do about it)
There are two temper tantrums that I’ve thrown in my life that were legendary.
One tantrum left me on my stomach, flailing my legs and arms, kicking and punching the ground while my family was eating dinner in the other room. I was so emphatic with my wailing and flailing that a few minutes later, amidst uncanny silence, my mother discovered me asleep in the spot, having tired myself out. I don’t remember what I was upset about.
The other was in the midst of a massive snowstorm while my family was visiting New York City for a special performance of a show. The snow had dramatically reduced the numbers of cars on the road, causing it to take way longer than expected for us to get a cab. I lost all decorum and screeched and wailed with no end, while various members of my family tried to calm me down.
But what made these temper tantrums so legendary was how rare and out of character they were. I was a classic “good girl,” always getting complimented for my manners, my good behavior, my ability to politely talk to adults and my generally amiable nature.
So these moments when I was loud, messy and in my feelings were alarming and disorienting to those that new me.
The more I’ve unpacked why I was certain patterns in adulthood that was hurting my confidence, my dating life, friendships and more, the more I understood that many of them came back to this same truth...
Being the “good girl” had fundamentally shaped who I was as a person and not always for the better.
So for all of you “good girls” out there, I think it’s time we spend a moment unpacking what are some of the things we learn being a “good girl” growing up that aren’t helping us feel good as adults (and what to do about it).
How what we learned as a kid may not be good for feeling confident, secure or happy as an adult
But before we get into the unhelpful things we pick up in being a good girl, let’s start with the positives - because it really isn’t all bad!
Ways being a “good girl” is valuable and helpful
The kids that are rewarded for being “good kids” or “good girls,” since I know the majority of you out there are ladies :) have a ton of really useful traits.
Being a “good girl” means you:
develop independence including how to entertain yourself and how to problem solve on your own
are diligent and disciplined, usually getting work done without being asked and striving for excellence (there’s a reason why good girls often end up with solid grades, going to good schools and in prestigious jobs)
are empathetic and sensitive to others needs, like a sort of sixth sense for what others are feeling and need, which helps you anticipate or jump in sometimes before people even know they need help. This is especially true if your parents were busy and you helped out with siblings or chores around the house!
can get along with many people because you’ve developed a really strong chameleon skill to identify what other people want to see and hear (this can make you strategic at work and often effective in terms of tasks that require you to understand a customer or a complicated situation)
And this is just a sampling of the many valuable things that come from being a “good girl.” I start with this because before I go into the next part, it’s important for you to know that it’s not all bad!
Being a “good girl” got you to where you are. The amount you’ve done, the things you’ve achieved, the friendships and relationships you’ve built are built on the foundations of these behaviors and in that way, we can celebrate them.
But it’s also important for us to identify when a set of behaviors is holding us back. Sometimes the things that got you in the room are not going to get you to the next level - think about how different the skillset is of a junior employee working to their first management position vs. the skills you need to be an effective manager. It doesn’t mean being hardworking and independent are bad when you are now expected to be an effective delegator and constantly communicating.
The same is true here. We can continue to use the parts of being a good girl that are helpful, but let’s identify some of the things that it might be time to put to rest.
Let’s dive into the 5 parts of being a “good girl” that are blocking you from being a satisfied, happy adult…
1. You learned to always put others’ feelings before your own (which isn’t sustainable)
Good girl skill numero uno is making sure other people are happy around you. That’s why the “good girl” to people pleaser pipeline is basically 100%.
You figured out what you needed to do to make mom, dad, auntie, grandma, teacher, coach and babysitter Sue happy and you probably did it without even realizing you were figuring it out.
You probably got so good at anticipating these needs that often you didn’t even need to be asked. It develops a sort of feedback loop that when you did what you know they would like, they maybe rewarded or praised you for good behavior, so in the future you knew that if you wanted a little reassurance that they were proud of you, doing what they wanted you to do was an easy way to get that.
The problem with this is that from a really young age, what you want falls way down the list below all the other people who’s approval you want.
As an adult, it’s not sustainable to put other people’s feelings first.
Even parents, who implicitly commit for at least 18 years, to have their needs often come second do not commit to putting their needs second all the time. “Put your mask on first before helping anybody around you,” ring a bell?
There is a real reason why there has to be times when you put yourself first - for your health, for your sanity and yes, for your happiness.
Good girls like to believe that if I put people around me first, they will put me first and it will all sort out in the wash.
But expecting this sort of reciprocity is not only unrealistic, it’s unhealthy.
If you are giving and prioritizing others in the hopes that they take care of you in return, you set yourself up for major disappointment because there are in fact, lots of people in the world who spend the majority of their time putting themselves first and that’s okay.
As adults, we are responsible for ourselves - if you fall apart because of illness, burnout, or any other reason - you are the one most responsible for it. We can and should take care of others but once we’ve already filled our own cup.
There’s a reason why they say “Put your mask on first before helping anybody around you,” if the parent passes out trying to get their kid’s mask on first, then both of them are in more danger than if the adult had quickly put their mask on first.
The same is true for us - we’re worse off when we constantly put others feelings first because we put both parties at risk for burnout and resentment, when if we made sure we took care of ourselves first, we’d have more capacity and energy to support others.
2. You were rewarded for being quiet (which leads to you feeling silenced)
The class clown, the problem kid, the “difficult one” all have one thing in common - they’re loud. On the other hand, good girls tend to be well-behaved, polite, mature… also known as quiet.
Whether it’s sitting nicely at the adult table while your parents have a conversation or playing in your room without major disruption while mom cooks dinner, good girls are rewarded for being quiet.
But this doesn’t just stop with your voice, it’s in the emotional/metaphorical too. The more easy-going you are, the less you speak up when you’re upset or scared or dysregulated, the more adults and especially parents probably praised you for being so independent, mature, etc.
The problem with this is we were all kids beneath the good girl facade and you were allowed to be scared, angry, confused and upset. But our good girl patterns get us into the habit of not speaking up when things are bothering us unless it gets really bad (see above description of tantrums).
Once you grow up, this often plays out with you not wanting to “bother” people when you’re struggling or judging yourself for having difficult feelings. You might often keep yourself quiet for fear of what other will think of you but in doing so, you’re silencing yourself.
Being quiet is a choice, being silenced feels far more painful (even when you do it to yourself).
3. You think you have to have “done” certain things to earn love or approval (which undermines your ability to get it as an adult)
Hello to all my overachievers! This one’s for you.
Do the homework, help mom with dinner, get the grade, make captain, excel on the SAT, get into school, and so on and so on and so on. These things are great and absolutely worthy of celebration - just like we talked about at the top, it’s not bad that you get stuff done or achieve.
The problem is when you start to feel like attention and love is conditional on having done these things.
This is usually a long series of misunderstandings, because when you’re a kid your brain is still figuring things out. In many ways, we’re just doing the same training that you might have done with a pet dog. If the treat comes when you sit, then sooner or later, you think that you have to sit to get a treat.
The difference is it is your parents literal responsibility to give you love and attention. Whether or not you got the grade or did the dishes.
But something got lost in translation when you noticed either the attention you got or that you didn’t get the bad, “I’m in trouble” attention that maybe a sibling got when they didn’t get things done.
Once you’ve learned this mistranslated rule that you get love and attention when you DO something, we’re off to the overachiever races.
Unfortunately, this usually shows up with trying to “prove yourself” to romantic partners so that they’ll love you (which unfortunately, usually has the opposite effect, where the more you ask for attention, the less you get) or burning yourself out always trying to do the next thing at work so that you’ll get the company’s approval (which also tends to have the opposite effect, where your level of work just becomes the expectation without any extra acknowledgement).
This chase for external validation is exhausting and painful. And endless, unless you can teach yourself to get off the treadmill!
4. You tend to chase others dreams rather than cultivating your own (and usually lose track of what you really want)
We are all shaped by the communities and families we grew up in. What careers were encouraged or discouraged, what lifestyle was desired vs. derided are all informed by where and with whom we grew up.
But “good girls” are especially attuned, because of the points above, to what others want from them.
As a result, if you are in your mid- to late-twenties (or even later!) and feeling like the career path you put yourself on isn’t as fulfilling as you hoped or if you have gotten some of the external trappings that people in your hometown or your college were always talking about and it just hasn’t given you any satisfaction, this might be the pattern at play.
I experienced this in the early months of my personal growth journey when I really started to list out what values my family and community had and more deeply ask myself whether I agreed. What came out was way more of a rebellious side than I realized, especially as it related to corporate structures and policies, which is part of the reflection that ultimately led me to finally accept that I wanted to be my own boss!
It’s borderline impossible to be fulfilled and satisfied in your life if you’re chasing somebody else’s dream. Step 1 is untangling who you learned the dreams you’re currently chasing from and step 2 is deciding what you actually agree with, vs. the pieces that might be your “good girl” behavior biting you in the butt!
5. You don’t make a fuss when you don’t get what you want (but the hurt builds up)
Somebody drops a snide comment in conversation or the friend cancels late again. You ask for support from your mom and you get dismissed. These little moments of pain or disappointment can seem minor and explainable at the time and your desire to not be too loud or cause a fuss tells you “it’s not that big a deal, I can handle it.”
But over time, these patterns of feeling dropped, dismissed or critiqued add up. You probably notice them in little resentment or frustrations with people that seem to pop out of nowhere (or build really really slowly over time until there’s on incident that’s the straw that breaks the camels back).
Our “good girl” rule book tells you not to be the one who needs something but needing acknowledgement, attention or even an apology when somebody does something to hurt us is normal and healthy. The instinct to supress those needs is the part that’s those “good girl” instincts gone awry.
The best thing we can do for long term healthy relationships is be honest when we need something and generally trust that the people we love want to meet our needs, don’t want to hurt our feelings and are understanding beings too. Unfortunately, good girls are incredibly attractive as friends to people that like getting their way so sometimes when you begin actually raising issues or expecting your needs to be met, it can become clear that certain friendships or relationships were only surviving on your willingness to martyr yourself.
This shift in behavior is really hard because it’s going against ALL those good girl instincts. The phrase I use to remind myself when this feels really challenging:
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Better out than in my friend!
So there you have it, 5 ways that your good girl behaviors are making it harder for you to be happy, healthy and satisfied as an adult. But now…
What do you do about it?
As with unlearning any deeply held pattern, especially with roots as young as childhood, this will take time.
Seek out resources who will help you both understand your patterns and begin shifting them (in my experience, talk therapy can be extremely beneficial for the awareness of the patterns and understanding and I love when my clients have already started this work on their own; personally, I needed a coaching context to actually begin shifting the behaviors and I see this with many of my clients as well).
What matters most is that you don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Your good girl nature has a lot of benefits and so we can have all sorts of compassion for the ways that you learned these habits and be willing to lovingly decide that you’re going to do things differently from now on.
It is completely normal for lots of feelings to come up as you move through this process! It’s important that you have a good set of tools and resources to move through these feelings when they come up - this is a great role for a coach who can help you stay kind to yourself and I’d also strongly recommend that you have learned some tips and tricks for nervous system regulation so when it feels scary to speak your needs or admit that you’re not okay, you have some ways to help keep yourself more calm and move through whatever is coming up.
