The secret ingredient to having successful conversations
(so that they actually apologize, start communicating more or give you the downtime you’ve been begging for)
Imagine this…
You walk into the kitchen in the morning, having just finished your morning skincare and your boyfriend is walking in the door from the gym, holding a coffee cup. “Got you something!” he says, with a grin on his face, as he passes you the cup and leans down to give you a kiss. “I’m all sweaty,” he admits as he continues walking toward the bathroom.
You plop down on a stool and take a sip of… oh, he remembered your favorite “special treat” order. You open your laptop and the first email sitting in your inbox is an email from the concierge of the hotel y’all are headed to in a few weeks for your anniversary trip: “{{ first_name }}, Just wanted to let you know that we were able to upgrade you to the Junior Suite for your stay with us, which includes complimentary breakfast and airport shuttle plus a complimentary snack and bottle of Prosecco upon arrival. We were also able to confirm a reservation for 2 at Dal Bolognese for the second night of your trip and there will be a car arranged to transport you there that evening and wait to bring you back.”
You’re giddy with excitement for this trip. Literally could this morning get any better?
And then your phone buzzes: “$1,945 deposited to your bank account ending in x3471.” That must be the payment from your newest client - nothing like getting paid first thing in the morning!
My friend, all this is absolutely possible for you. But there’s one big thing that you have to be able to do to make it happen:
You need to be able to have successful conversations.
Now I bet you’re thinking, “Well, yeah, I know how to have a conversation.”
But, my friend, if you are not in the relationship you want, living the lifestyle you want and making the money you want, then I can almost guarantee that you’re missing the mark in how you approach your conversations. Why?
Because we are not 100% in control of our world - obviously.
You control how you show up, when you wake up, how much work you do in a given day, what attitude you approach a situation with, you get the idea. And you don’t control a lot of other stuff like the weather, the economy, what attitude your boss approaches a situation with on a given day, how much therapy a man does or doesn’t do, what advice your friend gets from their mother about to handle something, and so so so much more.
And I know that’s probably frustrating because you get sh*t done and you feel like life is easier when you can just do stuff yourself. It’s probably why you’ve been successful at work, how you got the grades you did and a part of why you have the friendships you do.
You can count on you to get your stuff done. It’s everybody else, right?
Well, kind of. Because we cannot control the entire world around us, in order to be successful (i.e. have the lifestyle, love, income, schedule, etc. that we desire) we have to learn how to work WITH a world that we do not control, not struggle AGAINST it.
And this comes back to how we are able to communicate with the parts of the world that are outside of our control.
So how do you get the world do what you want it to do?
If you seriously leaned forward at that question because it sounds like the recipe to all your problems… then we’ve got some serious work to do.
But don’t worry, my friend, I felt exactly the same way for many years and when I learned what I’m about to tell you about it opened up a path to a whole different way of thinking about life that is filled with way more peace, comfort, luxury and authentic connection then back when I was trying to control everybody.
So let’s learn the secret ingredient to successful conversations…
How to approach a conversation so that people will actually give you what you want (in terms of attention, money, freedom and more)
Have you gotten frustrated with any of the following patterns in your life?
You constantly feel undervalued at work, like you’re going above and beyond to excel at your work but then Mediocre Mark gets a promotion 6 months early even though you’re doing twice as much
Whenever you’re early into dating somebody you feel like you’re on edge when you’re not hearing from them enough but any of the times that you’ve brought this up, trying to “speak your needs,” the guy eventually fades into oblivion or tells you that you’re “too needy” and you’re back where you started (and then you see on his Instagram that he has a girlfriend 2 months later)
You scroll your Instagram or Pinterest feed and see all these beautiful women living luxurious, happy lives and while you’re pretty happy with the decor in your apartment and the wardrobe you’ve spent years curating, you’re baffled by the spacious suites and Celine straw bags, like how is that available to them?
If any of those sound vaguely familiar to you, there is going to be so much value for you in this. Because the other people around you in those scenarios - Mediocre Mark getting the promotion, the girl that the guy dated after you, and those ladies living in luxury - I can almost guarantee that they approached conversations differently than you do and that’s a big part of what led to the difference in experiences.
If you take one thing away from this to help you feel more supported by the people and companies and organizations around you, let it be this - in each of the above scenarios, you have a choice. Focus on the ways the company didn’t notice you, the man didn’t choose you, the hotel didn’t upgrade you, basically focus on the ways the world happened to you. OR you can focus on the things that are within your control which is not the answer you get when you step into a conversation or the result of the conversation but how you show up.
Because here’s the thing - you will not have 100% successful conversations.
You will not always get what you want. Neither will Mediocre Mark, even though it feels like it to you. Neither will those Luxury Ladies, even though it seems that way from their Instagram feeds.
One of the most important things you can realize to set yourself up to have more successful conversations is that not all of them will be successful and the fact that you got a no, or end up disappointed doesn’t mean anything about 1) whether you’ll get a yes in the future 2) how well you showed up in that scenario and 3) whether you are worthy or deserving of what you asked for.
Mediocre Mark gets told no, he gets bad feedback, he gets less than he wanted. The Luxury Lady gets declined for the upgrade, sits in Comfort+ instead of Delta One. That girl on Bumble who he dates next has been ghosted and told she was “needy.”
But they had a different reaction. Which leads me to the secret ingredient for successful conversations…
Non-attachment
What is non-attachment?
There’s all sorts of official definitions and psychological explanations to this concept, which I won’t bore you with, because the point of this is simple, non-attachment is what it sounds like: not being attached to the outcome. IMPORTANT: non-attachment isn’t the same as not caring. You can want one outcome without being attached to it happening. Sounds contradictory, I know, but this is why so many people struggle with conversations because they are not able to find this balance.
And on the other side, when you are able to strike this balance, not only does approaching conversations get easier but also they work out your way arguably WAY more often.
What’s the distinction? You can have a desired outcome but to be non-attached, if you do not get your desired outcome, it doesn’t affect your view of yourself. Said differently, when getting a no doesn’t affect your view of your self, you’re non-attached.
When Luxury Lady asks to get the best table to watch the sunset in Santorini and is told no, she does not immediately go “that’s so embarrassing, I shouldn’t have asked - who am I to think I deserve the best table?” When Mediocre Mark asks to be a VP a year early and is told he’s not ready yet, he doesn’t think to himself, “I’m definitely going to get fired, I was completely out of line to ask for the promotion, they’ll never look at me the same.”
What does it sound like when you’re too attached to the outcome of conversations?
If you haven’t asked for what you want from a romantic partner because you’re worried about “scaring him away”
If you’ve told yourself you should “be grateful for what you have,” as a reason not to ask for what you want
If you decide not to bring up hurt feelings or that awkward comment to a friend that really made you uncomfortable because you say that you can “handle it”
If you worry about “bothering” the hotel staff so you don’t ask them for the amenities that you really want to try
If you get tied up with anxiety about hurting somebody else’s feelings in bringing up a way that they hurt you to the point that you don’t get yourself to go through with it
Do any of those sound like you?
But why is non-attachment the key to a successful conversation?
There is a fundamental truth that is frustrating and yet unavoidable - the most powerful person in the room is the one with the least to lose.
Think about all the dramatic movie scenes where somebody is at the depths of despair having lost their company, their family, everything they hold dear and now they are holding hostages to get what they want OR the business negotiation where there’s the major corporation with dozens of lawyers and billions of dollars vs. the tiny mom and pop business who’s whole livelihood rests on the outcome of the negotiation.
The more who you are and what you think about yourself is attached to the outcome of the conversation, the more powerless you feel.
And when we feel powerless, we feel less confident, less competent, more scared (and then all the biological processes that fire off from that place of fear and victim mode kick in and none of us are stronger than our biological systems).
On the other hand, when you are good either way in a situation, you walk in with ease, you’re calm, there’s no skin off your back either way. Everybody else can recognize this gravitas in you (especially if you apply a few extra tricks to ensure that they see the way that helping you helps them) and they actually want to do what you want to do.
This is where patterns shift and you notice that people are actually going out of their way to give you what you want. They might even start to anticipate your needs. This is the seed to powerful conversations.
How can you stay not attached in a conversation where you REALLY care about the outcome?
I’m not going to lie, it takes practice. (This is why we go in way more depth inside of Exclusive.) But the best way to support this behavior starting today is to zoom out to realize how many other options you have.
We really care about the outcome of a conversation when it feels like getting a “no” means a no forever. On the other hand, when you have plenty of options, a “no” isn’t that dramatic because you can just try the next place.
Think about the difference between when your flight gets cancelled at a remote airport with only one hotel nearby vs. if your flight gets cancelled out of LAX. There’s hundreds if not thousands of hotels in LA, so you’re probably significantly less stressed calling the first hotel to find out if they have a room.
Apply this to any situation in your life, any conversation - where are all the other places you could potentially get what you want?
Now this isn’t to say that it would be easy. Going in to ask your boss for a raise, you can know that you can go get another job if she doesn’t give it to you but that’s an enormous endeavor. All of this is true, but even just acknowledging that the possibility exists will help. If you google job listings for your title at your competitors and see that 4 of them are hiring? Even better. If you have had an informational interview with one of them and have the email address of a hiring manager? Even easier.
But the key is that in terms of the conversation with your boss at that moment, one of the most impactful things you can do to have an effective conversation in that moment is knowing that you are a valuable employee whether or not she says yes. The separation of your worth from the outcome of the conversation is the single most powerful thing you can do to make it a success.
What happens when you’re able to maintain non-attachment in conversations?
Literally life opens up for you. I’m not really even being dramatic there. When I learned to detach from the outcome of conversations, these were some of the things that happened:
I negotiated multiple 20% raises (note: I did also get turned down once and delayed once)
I’ve gotten probably $2k worth of free stuff (note: most of this came from me making a bigger ask and being told no, but getting something smaller as a result, like not getting upgraded but getting a free drink, which literally happened to me this week!)
I’ve gotten asked out on nice dates by accomplished men (note: I also was ghosted or ignored by others!)
I’ve gotten more consistent attention from an important friendship (note: I also had to take distance from another friend who was unwilling to shift an important behavior)
I’ve gotten a new dream consulting client (note: I’ve also been declined easily a dozen times)
And so much more…
So this is your sign my friend. The life of your dreams is literally waiting for you when you are able to ask for something and be okay if you don’t get it. It’s counterintuitive for the hustler and straight A student, where a “no” feels like a failure but it’s actually the key and so much good will come of it.
And if you’re looking for additional guidance on how to approach conversations…