I started enforcing way stricter boundaries. This is what happened next.
When you set off to try to feel more confident, shift your mindset, or heal anxious attachment (in summary, on a personal growth journey), there is probably one suggestion that you’ll hear again and again: you need to learn how to set boundaries.
In a way, they’re right - learning how to set boundaries (and which boundaries you want to set) is incredibly important because it ensures that you start to put yourself first. People pleasers tend to find boundaries quite difficult for exactly this reason - you’ve built your whole identity around putting other people’s thoughts, feelings and desires first so shifting htat is rolling a really really big ball uphill at first.
But for this reason, just being told “learn how to set boundaries” is overly simplified and a little misleading because there can be really meaningful impacts to your relationships, good and bad, when you start trying to speak up for yourself.
Let’s be really clear - it’s absolutely worth it and I’ll tell you more about why below.
But I want you to go in eyes wide open to what the experience can feel like so you don’t try and then bail because you feel like you’re doing something wrong, when all the amazing benefits take some time and getting through the initial crunch.
But I know this can all feel amorphous and vague, so today, I wanted to share some of my experiences when I started learning to set boundaries and when I kicked it into high gear and then what happened next so you can walk into your own personal growth and boundary setting experience eyes wide open!
The things nobody tells you about what happens when you start setting boundaries
Let’s rip the bandaid off and get the hard part out of the way right now…
It’s lonely.
When I started setting boundaries of how I wanted to be treated, spoken to, what topics were on the table for discussion and what wasn’t, how I’d spend my time, etc. my immediate experience was that it was lonely. It felt a little bit like I was pushing people away and leaving myself alone as a result.
Thankfully my coach at the time was there to support me with one very important insight - if those people were only able to be around you when you were willing to stuff yourself into the box of how they wanted to treat you, how much do they really care about you anyway? If they’re only friends with you when it’s convenient for them, how deep is that friendship?
Oof. This caused a major wakeup call in it’s own right to think about how some friendships and relationships I viewed to be significant were built on a flimsy foundation. So it was a logical aftereffect that when I stopped being so “convenient” and “flexible,” that I was experiencing a dip in the number of people I had in my life as those “convenience” friends fall away.
But I don’t want to minimize the feelings that you go through in the meantime.
As a lifelong people pleaser, until a few years ago when I really kicked my personal growth journey into full gear, there were basically two major ideas that scared the shit out of me: people leaving me and hurting somebody’s feelings (which could eventually trigger the ultimate fear of them leaving). Now the unfortunate follow on effect of this pattern of living is “I would rather compromise myself to keep someone than to risk them leaving me.” What most people pleasers don’t realize is that they’re not being left by the other person, but instead something far worse is happening: they’re leaving themselves.
I had spent years of my life saying to myself, in different words - “What I want doesn’t matter that much.” “It’s more important that they’re happy than that I’m happy.” “If they’re okay, it doesn’t matter if I’m not okay.” “If we want two different things, I must be the one that’s wrong.” And so on and so forth. In her book Setting Boundaries will Set You Free* (highly recommend, btw), Nancy Levin so beautifully summarizes: "We amplify our inner conflict when we avoid outer conflict with someone else!"
So when I got brave enough, and practiced enough to be start expressing boundaries with other people, what was happening was I was taking all the conflict I had been swallowing and dealing with inside my own brain and body and finally putting it out in the world.
The conflict was there the whole time, I just decided that I didn’t want to bear the burden all on my own.
Do you know that phrase “anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”? I’ve also heard versions of it where you replace “anger” with “resentment.” I insert the phrase “staying quiet” or “people pleasing” (both of which lead to resentment which eventually leads to anger).
“People pleasing is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
As relationships fell away, it felt like a loss. But I began to question, what do I really feel like I’m losing? If these relationships were only half relationships the whole time (I was just twisting myself into a pretzel to make them feel whole) than if I’m watching it slide to a half relationship or no relationship, it’s not losing a whole friend. At worst, it’s losing a half friend. In reality, I even only partially “had them” and now the outer world was matching the reality . It’s painful but at least it was out in the open.
This helped me during the initial period of loneliness.
The other hard part of of setting boundaries
My people pleasers out there, buckle up. You need to prepare yourself for the guilt.
For many of those early conversations, I would hype myself up to communicate a boundary. I’d write and rewrite the text message. I’d finally get the nerve and hit send or have the conversation and then a few hours later, as the adrenaline left my body, the feeling was a huge, dramatic, five-alarm-fire.
HOLY SHIT. WHAT DID I JUST DO?!
It felt so automatic to my body that I had just made a mistake and I should immediately claw it back, pretend I momentarily went insane, apologize for being difficult, etc. etc.
This is the moment when it is absolutely crucial to have a support system.
(I see it all the time with my clients and in my own life, I heavily leaned on my coach in these moments.) Because what’s happening in that moment is your nervous system is reacting. Our bodies always understand new things as uncomfortable and potentially dangerous, especially when the risks associated with that new thing can be loss and abandonment (our worst fears). So it makes sense that my body was telling me “danger danger, reverse course!” I was trying a behavior I had never really experienced before and those abandonment fears were front and center.
I worked with my coach to help show my nervous system “I will be okay. Even if this ends the friendship, I will be sad but I will be okay. I am allowed to have needs and standards.” So on and so forth.
But I wasn’t fully prepared when I started for the fact that I might have to deal with feelings like this beyond the initial moment. Wondering whether I had made the right decision and whether the boundary I had decided to set was really as important as it had felt before I communicated it? Is there a softer way I could have gone about it?
If you are going through this or feel like this might be you in that situation in the future, I want to say to you - you will get through it.
One of the favorite ways I talk clients through this is called “Choose the decision maker.” We all have a basic level of awareness of how much emotions, especially fear, can skew our thinking and our decision making. You can basically guarantee if your heart rate feels elevated or your chest feels a little tight, that your brain is going to have very strong reasoning in that moment why you should do something to make you safe.
But my friend, remember, safe is not the same as happy.
This is why I prompt clients, if you are second guessing your decision, rather than litigating the merits of the argument or the impact, evaluate the decision maker, basically the version of you. For a people pleaser to come to the conclusion that a boundary needs to be set, usually means that a pattern has become seriously problematic. Most people pleasers agonize about the decision to communicate the boundary. They think through how to say it, they reflect, they even practice and seek feedback from coaches and therapists. When I use this for myself and look back at the version of me who decided to set the boundary vs. the emotional/anxious me questioning my own decision, when I was able to step back and really consider the person, not the situation… in that moment, past me was more trustworthy than present me.
This evaluation supported me sticking through my decisions even when it took some time to get used to the fact that it had been difficult, and sometimes there had been an outcome which was not what I hoped, but that it was still the right decision.
This has sounded pretty dark so far, so I wouldn’t blame you if you have been thinking “uhhhh, that sounds zero percent appealing.” I just had to get the hard part out of the way, you know!
So let’s get into the nitty gritty of the “how to communicate a boundary” so that we can get to the fun part, all the reasons why even with the loneliness and guilt that comes up front, setting boundaries is still something that I absolutely believe in, stand behind and recommend.
What is a boundary
Boundary is definitely a buzzword these days and I see a lot of descriptions of “boundaries” that are not boundaries at all. More like demands or ultimatums!
If you want to check whether what you’re thinking about is actually a good boundary, as yourself these two questions:
Is the consequence something that I will do?
Do I actually intend to follow through on it if this happens?
Let me give you an example that will make this more practical.
I had a friend for many years who was across the board inconsistent. Would go silent for long periods of time and then show back up in full force like nothing happened. Sometimes was quick to respond and other times it’d take literally weeks or months.
I knew I needed to say something because the back and forth was making me feel discarded and disrespected. So I thought to myself about what I might need to communicate to them. What I planned to say the next time we hung out was:
“Hey, when you don’t respond to my texts for weeks it makes me feel like you don’t care about me. I care about our friendship and I’d like to continue to be in each other’s lives but if you’re not able to answer a text I send within a week (unless you’ve given me warning that you’re going to go off the radar for a while), I’m not going to be able to continue investing in this friendship. Does that sound like something you could try to do?”
I asked myself those questions - the consequence was about me, check. I would be the one that would lower my investment level in the friendship if the expectation wasn’t met. Did I actually intend to follow through on this if it happened? This was a harder one to answer but it’s truly the difference between an ultimatum and a boundary.
If you never intend to follow through on the consequence, then this type of conversation is a manipulation tactic.
Harsh, I know but we have to be honest with ourselves. We do not control other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions and we shouldn’t try. If somebody is not willing to act in the way that makes you feel good, it is your responsibility to leave the situation or reduce their access to you.
If you experience fears about exiting a friendship, if fears come up about ending up with nobody, or you start wondering if you just need to “take what you can get”… STOP. RIGHT. THERE. This is a sure fire sign that you’re dealing with some low self-worth, which has been causing you to accept way less than what you deserve and it’s probably part of the reason you’ve ended up in this situation in the first place.
Nancy Levin says this so perfectly, so rather than paraphrasing, I will let her words do the work:
“No one would put up with constant boundary violations if she thought she were completely worthy of rest, sleep, down time, pleasure, fun, abundance, and the good things life has to offer. ... somewhere, deep inside, is a scared little child who has gotten the idea that if she doesn't sacrifice herself to meet the needs and expectations of those around her, she will be shamed, blamed and alone. The work is growing up that little kid. Letting her know that she is enough. She was always enough."
We teach people how to treat us based on what you accept. So if you want to change how people treat you, you need to change what you accept.
If you have big fears about walking away, then the thing to focus your attention on is why you believe that this is the best that you can expect. Because when you start to really see that you can have a better experience out there, you won’t have any doubts about walking away from a sub-par situation.
So let’s compare and contrast here:
“Hey, when you don’t respond to my texts for weeks it makes me feel like you don’t care about me. I care about our friendship and I’d like to continue to be in each other’s lives but if you’re not able to answer a text I send within a week (unless you’ve given me warning that you’re going to go off the radar for a while), I’m not going to be able to continue investing in this friendship. Does that sound like something you could try to do?” - if you’re actually willing to stop investing in the friendship, BOUNDARY; if you’re only saying that you’re going to stop investing to try to get them to change, ULTIMATUM
“Hey, when you don’t respond to my texts for weeks it makes me feel like you don’t care about me. I care about our friendship and I’d like to continue to be in each other’s lives. I need you to answer a text I send within a week (or give me warning that you’re going to go off the radar for a while) or I’m not going to be able to continue investing in this friendship. Does that sound like something you could try to do?” - DEMAND. Do you see how I’m putting the onus for action on them. It’s about what they are going to do rather than what I am going to do?
Boundaries take your power back. They say that you want people in your life who want you to feel good too. Who care about your experience as much as theirs - but not more, just as we are going to take care of ourselves first, we want them to put themselves first and have us come together as best we can!
But now that we’re clear, let’s get to the good part.
Why you should set boundaries in the first place (why is it worth it!)
In that story I told you above, the friend was absolutely receptive and acknowledged that he had been an inconsistent communicator and how that was a difficult thing to experience from my perspective. I felt heard and understood. Unfortunately, the behavior didn’t change so I slowly stopped investing in the friendship and ultimately, I explained to them that the way they communicated didn’t work for me and we said peace on the friendship.
It was sad but by that point, I had clear evidence that the thing I needed for the friendship to be successful wasn’t something they were willing to do and so I had to read the writing on the wall. Unexpectedly, I immediately felt free. I felt proud of myself for holding my standards and I could feel the pressure of trying to figure out why they weren’t texting back or overanalyzing if I had done something wrong was dissipating.
In a lighter scenario, I’ve communicated boundaries with friends about how far in advance I’d like to make plans (and what I would do with the time if we hadn’t confirmed the plan) and as a result, those friends have always respected my time in either putting things on the calendar OR respecting when I booked something else when they took too long to decide. There’s not any hard feelings because they know the rule of the road and we often laugh about how easy it was to just make this one simple agreement and it relieves so much stress!
On the dating side of things, I like for men I’m dating to plan the first date. I often communicate this upfront if there seems to be some backing-and-forthing. Some conversations fall away and I trust that the guys who are turned off by the idea of them planning the first date (or me communicating my desire for that) are not a match and saves me a mediocre hour nursing a glass of pinot noir and making conversation. The guys that do step up get the experience of my excitement to experience what they planned, my appreciation (I always communicate how much I like it when the date is good) and I get to enjoy my time.
I once feared setting business hours with my clients, worried what they would think. Since I’ve done it, I’ve never once gotten pushback or any complaints about the business hours I keep. And as a result, I’m able to maintain a healthier relationship with my work and enjoy my weekends.
In summary, the most impactful results of really making in a habit to communicate and hold boundaries:
Increased self-respect and self-worth because over and over again you’re placing a vote for the belief that you’re “worth it”
Stronger friendships and relationships because the people that are around are by definition the ones who are treating you the way you want to be treated
Confidence because you will collect more and more data points how you can ask for something and be okay with the outcome regardless of whether it was your ideal or not (if you haven’t been around for a while, my definition of confidence is “the mindset where you believe you can handle the situation regardless of the outcome)
More time and money because you are only dedicating your time and precious resources in the places that YOU want to and not getting pressured into things for other people
Lower stress (which has a whole host of other impacts in your life) because you’re no longer constantly guessing as to whether the people in your life are going to let you down or disappoint you
Sounds pretty good, right?
I think you should start communicating your boundaries more today!
And if you know that having these types of big conversations is really a point of difficulty for you, you should check out the freebie below for some additional resources to get you started!
*Some of the links included in this article are affiliate links which means I receive a small commission if you use my link at no additional cost to you. If you choose to use my links, my wine fund thanks you!