I answered a question earlier this week on my Instagram stories and it was worth expanding into a full post for posterity, ya know?

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is any tool that increases the distance between the stimuli and the response. It’s the process of becoming aware of our thoughts but at a pace so we can become aware before we are acting in response.

I find that this concept is often misconstrued to mean if you are mindful, you are not triggered, irritated, or feel negative things. Nope! In Dan Harris’ book 10% Happier (about his journey with meditation) because he describes it so well: “When you’re mindful, you actually feel irritation more keenly. However, once you unburden yourself from the delusion that people are deliberately trying to screw you, it’s easier to stop getting carried away.”

Meditation is one type of mindfulness but it’s a whole lovely category. Brene Brown talks about it in her book, Rising Strong, describing, “Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment.”

Anytime we feel something, like insecure for example, and immediately begin beating ourselves up for having that feeling, we’re just making it worse by telling our brain (and our heart) that the way we respond to things is wrong… which only makes us more insecure. This is why I love Brene’s point that mindfulness helps us to first acknowledge whatever it is that we’re feeling, before we fully dive into it.

How does this apply to my dating life?

In short, dating is emotional and sometimes we react to things that trigger us in ways that we aren’t the proudest of. Especially when our hearts and our bodies are involved, we can feel really vulnerable and that can lead to more instinct-based reactions.

Finding ways to be mindful, through regular practices or using tools in the moment, is a great way to increase that space between the trigger and the response so we can make better decisions.

Think about a scenario where you were on a date and the guy across from you made an off-color joke and you were immediately offended. This is a stimuli. You probably reacted immediately but imagine if you had been able to spot the reaction you were having and decide the best way to respond.

Maybe the thing the date did reminded you of how your ex used to act but rather than immediately writing the guy off, you were able to make a lighthearted, but clear comment about how you don’t appreciate those types of jokes. Imagine if then you got to see how this date, heard the feedback, apologized for making you uncomfortable and was able to continue the conversation. Way better information than instinctually writing him off!

What mindfulness tools do I recommend?

Mediation

Meditation is an enormous category. If mindfulness is like saying “exercise,” meditation is like “lifting weights.” There are still so many different ways you can lift weights.

That said, it’s pretty widely studied and proven to be deeply beneficial. In 10% Happier , Dan Harris describes, “Recent studies suggest meditation may decrease the risk of heart disease, boost the brain’s resilience in the face of suffering, and promote healthier aging.” In Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss, which interviews over 81 top-of-their-field humans, from athletes to business people to creatives, more than 80% of the interviewees had some form of daily mindfulness or meditation practice.

For me personally, I learned meditation through the Calm app’s How to Meditate course, taught by Jeff Warren, which I highly recommend. It was a great foundational tooI to learn the skill of spotting my thoughts without reacting. I have consistently noticed improvement on this skill that I feel like built on the skill learned in meditation.

How does this apply in dating? This is a general skill that will help you throughout your life. After some cultivating, you’ll probably feel more able to stay present on dates and stop yourself from more mental spirals if something triggering occurs (like getting a “can we talk?” text in the middle of a work meeting).

Box Breathing

Box Breathing is a focused breathing technique. It’s involved enough that you have to focus on your breathing and your mind clears somewhat as a result. The basic structure is in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4.

This technique has been shown to have huge benefits for calming your sympathetic nervous system. I use this in moments where I can feel anxiety building and it helps me regulate back down to calmer before I act on whatever’s making me feel tense.

How does this apply in dating? This tool is great in real time emotional situations. If you find yourself stressed waiting for your date to show, this tool could help or if you know you need to be your calmest self before initiating a hard conversation with the guy you’ve been seeing, box breathing could be great preparation.

Repetitive Activities

Not as formal a strategy but repetitive physical behaviors can be helpful because your body and at least part of your mind has to focus on the action. Things like walking, knitting, needlepoint, chopping vegetables, hitting golf balls, etc.

The key here is to focus on trying to clear your mind and just focus on the action at hand. Anytime you catch yourself day dreaming, refocus on your task. It’s building the muscle you learn in meditation but without you having to just sit there and try not to think!

How does this apply in dating? If you are trying to distract yourself productively, perhaps from the stress thinking that that guy hasn’t texted you, instead of turning to unhealthy numbing behaviors (like drinking or avoidant TV watching), these types of activities can prevent you from reacting impulsively.

Name the Emotion

When you feel an instinct to react emotionally, if you can, step away to somewhere you can reflect (even if you can’t physically step away, you can do this in your head). The tool here is to first name what you are feeling - I am angry, for example. And then to push yourself to answer Why? or what emotion is underneath the anger. Are you angry because you’re scared or because you’re offended or frustrated?

Naming your top emotion and then trying to identify what’s going on beneath is first of all, slowing you down from reacting and has the added benefit of helping you get clearer on what’s really going on emotionally.

How does this apply in dating? If you start to do this often, you will start to notice patterns that can reveal opportunities for healing or some limiting beliefs that might be holding you back. It also cultivates a skill for more honest conversations if you are in a fight with a significant other to really tell what’s going on.

Gratitude Practices

This may not immediately occur to some as a mindfulness practice. But studies have shown that writing down three things you’re grateful for for 21 consecutive days measurably increases happiness.

But in terms of mindfulness, once you get past the immediately obvious “family, my health, a house to live in,” this practice forces you to be more aware of what’s going on around you and eventually you start to even be able to be grateful for harder things in your life, for the opportunity to learn or the challenge.

How does this apply in dating? Perspective in all things is key. This type of practice may help you see ghosting as a gift or also appreciate the friend who really stepped up for you when you were dumped.