Behind the scenes: my favorite journal prompts as a mindset coach and former people pleaser
Journaling is one of the most commonly recommended tactics for mindset work. If you work with almost any coach, it’s likely that at some point they’ll suggest you journal on some topic for further clarity and even if you don’t work with a coach or take a course, you’ve probably read many a listicle and a helpful article from your favorite publications encouraging the practice.
I’m also going to be one of them.
But when I work with clients inside my Private Coaching, I give specific prompts for clients to work on and *often* as we are wrapping up our package, I get questions about specific prompts they should use moving forward or ways that they can keep reaping the benefits of a journaling practice after we finish work together.
So I thought I’d share some of the journal prompts that I personally use that I find particularly effective when I’m looking for clarity, perspective or a little release and share them with you here so you can start your journey to more confidence, clarity, rest and worthiness today!
Journal Prompts for anxiety, people pleasing, and overthinking
But before we dive all the way into my favorite prompts and how to use them, let’s just take a moment to discuss journaling.
Why does journaling help your mental health?
The simple answer is it allows you to see your thoughts separately so you can have some perspective on them. Michael Singer describes this beautifully in Untethered Soul, saying if you can see something in front of you (like a cup or a table), you are clear that it’s not you. Even your body, isn’t the true you, because we understand that as our body changes we exist throughout or even, in a somewhat morbid example, if you were to have to have a foot amputated, it’s not like you have awareness from the foot’s perspective. The awareness is deeper within you.
That awareness, the noticing part of you - that’s the “you” we’re focused on.
As extreme a visual as that is, I’ve found it helpful as a reminder when thinking about something more ephemeral like our thoughts. The thoughts running through my head are not who I am because I am the one noticing them.
And journaling makes this even easier by helping us put the thoughts down on the page so we can see them as outside of ourselves and question accuracy, relevancy, and much more.
Journaling can be valuable on a “once in a while” basis, like in a scenario where you’d like to reflect more deeply on a topic that has your mind spinning, or on a regular basis, as I do it, as more of a routine or check-in. If you get in a routine of journaling you also reap the habits in terms of discipline and self-trust, showing yourself that you show up to do something just for you on a daily basis. (If this part resonates with you, then you’d probably enjoy the Rewire Rituals inside of Confidence Club that give you one thing to do every day to move you toward a certain goal!)
But it’s now time for some journal prompts.
Journal prompts for when you’re disappointed
Prompts:
What role did my expectations play in this situation? Looking back now, were those expectations fair? Did somebody in the situation need more clarity about the expectations? How much of these expectations being met was inside or outside of my control?
Why they work:
When disappointment has happened there are a couple things we want to be on high alert about - the source of the feeling and the tendency for overachievers and people pleasers to take on more responsibility than is ours.
Asking myself about expectations often highlights for me that I had a hope for the situation that I hadn’t told anybody or communicated with any clarity and often this alone can give me more compassion for the situation because I know that…
I cannot expect people to read my mind.
In situations like where an early dating scenario has fizzled or somebody ghosted, sometimes these prompts clear up the fact that my expectations were actually fair and because they’re fairly commonplace, they didn’t need to get clarified but that the other person’s decision about whether they wanted to move forward with dating was outside of my control. At this point, I can then focus on giving myself healthy space for the feeling to move on through!
Journal prompts for when you’re overthinking
Prompts: What in this situation can I control? In the areas that I can’t control (like other people’s thoughts, feelings or actions), what am I most worried might happen and what would that mean about me? What do I hope will happen and what would that mean about me?
Why they work:
We are trying to pull out the ultimate source of the fear, anxiety and stress. How do I know those are there? Because overthinking is a sign that we’re in our sympathetic nervous system (a.k.a. fight or flight). You’re literally sensing danger and your body is trying to think your way out of it.
I wish it worked like that.
So in these journal prompts, we want to do two things: 1) make it clear what you can and cannot control because you can spin infinitely on the things that you cannot control and it will be an absolute waste of time. But 2) we want to identify the “danger” that we’re sensing.
The “danger” is usually not what you think it is - it’s not that he’ll break up with you or you’ll never get another job or that your friend actually is mad at you.
The danger is usually what we will make that mean about ourselves.
Key caveat: the majority of time, the meaning we are giving a breakup, rejection, confusion or any other situation isn’t accurate. This is a huge part of what I work on with clients inside Private Coaching, is identifying how we’re giving meaning to things that don’t deserve meaning or we’re associating our worth or deservingness in situations that it’s actually not on the table. But unwinding those thoughts take a little longer than one journal or blog post :)
Interested in additional support to tackle your people pleasing?
Journal prompts for when you feel stuck
Prompts: When I envision living my dream life where everything I’ve worked toward has come to fruition, what does a completely average day look like? How do I feel about myself and about each piece of the day as I move through it? (Especially powerful with mundane stuff - how does ideal you feel while she’s unloading the dishwasher? When she get’s stuck in traffic? Picking out her outfit?) How can I feel that way more in my life today?
Why they work:
We often daydream about the big glamorous life, or in my case, a life of laid back luxury. (I’m way more of a comfy button down and jean shorts with coffee on the patio than a getting dolled up in designer outfits all the time - true luxury for me is time, space, comfortable clothes, good food and sunshine.)
But we don’t often consider the actual day-to-day of that life. We’re all really searching for feelings - the feeling we’ll get when we have a loving partner, a bigger house, more schedule flexibility.
But we think that if we just get those things then the feelings come. Unfortunately, we’re wrong - it’s backwards.
When you learn to feel the way you want to about your life, that’s when your life radically improves.
How do I know for sure? Because I was sure that I’d finally feel valued at work when I was promoted to Director. That I’d feel financially free if I was making $100k. That I’d feel beautiful once I started coloring my hair again. That I’d feel worthy of love if I was seeing somebody consistently.
Womp womp.
Having the external trappings is no guarantee of our feelings, which is why we need to focus on the feelings first.
Dive into the way you want to feel about your life (using this fun visualization of the ultimate goal lifestyle) and then you can start challenging yourself to shift your perspective on your life today (or sometimes there is actually a practical shift you can make in how you’re showing up so that you can have more of those feelings - just watch out for the narrative that the new habit or clean room, is the thing that give you the feeling, which is sliding back where we don’t want to be in terms of thoughts.)
Journal prompts for when you know you’ve been people pleasing
Prompts:
What is the thing I really want in this situation that I might feel to scared, vulnerable or ashamed to ask for? If I knew I would be successful, what would I want to receive right now?
Why they work:
People pleasing is choosing internal conflict over external conflict.
Let me say that again…
People pleasing is choosing internal conflict over external conflict.
When we do it, we are always denying our own needs for the sake of others. I know you want to be helpful and it feels good to support others, but let’s also be honest that if it was working for you, you wouldn’t be here.
That’s because over time, people pleasing builds massive resentment in relationships because you constantly feel like you’re giving more than everybody else and people don’t appreciate how much you do for them. Why is this inevitable? Because most of the time, you did things for other people that they didn’t even ask for or need.
Your friends actually don’t need you to always give them space to vent before you do. Your family actually doesn’t need you to pretend that you still hold the same political beliefs they do. Your coworkers actually don’t need you to pick up the slack on that project.
And the reason that they’re not fully appreciating all you bring to the table is because you actually can bring even more to the situation when you “put your own mask first” so to speak and can show up authentically. You’re only showing them part of you, literally giving them less to appreciate.
When you show up as the full you, not the convenient portion of you for other people, the people in your life get an opportunity to know the real you and most importantly, you give others the opportunity to do for you what you do so well for others - listen, support, care.
But in order to get there, we have to dial into what we might have been hiding about our authentic wants and needs.
I’m not going to pretend that these (or any of these) journal prompts will magically fix your people pleasing. I work for clients for 6 months sometimes in order to work on people pleasing. Hell, I am a coach who supports people pleasers and I still have to monitor my own natural people pleasing tendencies.
But step 1 is identifying what it is I actually want so that I can take steps to support myself rather than feeling embittered by not being supported.