I knew I looked good. Although admittedly, it wasn't an accident that I scheduled a haircut I knew would come with a blowout an hour before my first first date after a multiple monthlong break from dating. I figured, an extra boost of confidence wouldn't hurt? 

I walked into the bar - he was as tall as I expected, that's a plus. His flannel and t-shirt combo. A little more lumberjack than I'd usually go for but he has a good head of hair. (The little things that come up in first impressions, huh?) We sit down at a table, pick out drinks from the menu and settle into the conversation.

He was sweet, a good listener and asked great questions. He liked camping way more than I'd ever be willing to do but I felt engaged, noticing how I was leaning on the table, feeling almost a subconscious pull to be closer to him. I noticed how intently he was looking at me, which felt like an odd thing to notice, the intensity of being observed. I wasn't sure if it made me feel appreciated or scrutinized but I knew it was better than the first dates where the man across the table constantly feels distracted by his own thoughts or what's going on around the bar. 

He doesn't like watching television - well, that's not a dealbreaker, I like binging the new season of Bridgerton but we don't have to do that together. He likes reading - great, we can bond over what novel I'm reading next. He has a good relationship with his mom and sister - love that. He is really into hockey - well it's not a sport I've ever cared about, but I could learn. Do girlfriends go watch hockey games? Will his teammates like me?

When I talk to clients about first dates, there are typically a few things that come up:

• I'm wondering what he thought about me;

• I'm not sure if these things I noticed on the date are a big deal or not; and,

• I want to know what's going to happen next. 

The common theme between all of these concerns is a belief that having the answer will make the waiting less uncomfortable. While you wait to see if another date materializes, if you can figure out that you were perceived as attractive, then you'll be able to relax and wait calmly to see if he texts you. Or if I know whether the comment about going with the flow means he's only looking for something casual, then you can easily separate from the nerves because you'll know he's not a match.

But we're wrong.

Not only will we never know the answers to many of those questions but they don't actually make us feel better because they don't remove the uncertainty.

We cannot know how a relationship (or lack there of) with someone will work out after the first date. Even if we were to get a concrete answer from the person we went on the date with about what they thought of us or what they're looking for, there's no guarantee it's accurate or won't change. 

When we do this post-date analysis, we're usually looking for a way to calm the questions in our brain or to calm the nerves and self-criticism. But these answers, even if we could get them, don't protect against the guy who found you really attractive but then gets staffed on a really busy project at work and decides he “doesn't have time to date.” Knowing that he's looking for something serious doesn't protect against the fact that he really doesn't want kids and you do, but this won't come up until the third date. 

Answers now do not predict outcomes later.

This is why I actively discourage you for looking for the answers. You won't usually get them, if you do, they may not be accurate and even if they are, they won't necessarily help. 

Because if what we're really after is an early warning sign or a “it's safe” signal to calm the experience of the dating process, we're barking up a non-existent tree. 

Dating involves uncertainty. You don't have to like it but you do have to accept it. If you are the type of person who hates when you don't feel in control, who the idea of uncertainty gives you mild hives, who is constantly running through possible outcomes and how you'd handle them, the word uncertainty strikes fear deep to your core.

Our brains are at work here - when our brains don't know the outcome, they perceive the situation as dangerous. They're trying to protect us, spot the incoming danger.

But we know that brains code negative events, memories and possibilities at 10x strength to the good ones. So while the odds of the second date might actually be 50/50, our brains are telling us the chances are 10/1 that he's going to ghost, that he wasn't into it. 

When we spend all of our energy looking for answers to solve the uncertainty, we're encouraging our brains belief that they're really are 10x more bad possibilities than good ones. And this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where we start paying attention to all the ways things could go wrong instead of what could go right.